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Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes

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Famous Mark Twain Quotes

“The first glance at the pillow showed me a repulsive sentinel perched upon each end of it--cockroaches as large as peach leaves--fellows with long, quivering antennae and fiery, malignant eyes. They were grating their teeth like tobacco worms, and appeared to be dissatisfied about something. I had often heard that these reptiles were in the habit of eating off sleeping sailors' toe nails down to the quick, and I would not get in the bunk any more. I lay down on the floor. But a rat came and bothered me, and shortly afterward a procession of cockroaches arrived and camped in my hair. In a few moments the rooster was crowing with uncommon spirit and a party of fleas were throwing double somersaults about my person in the wildest disorder, and taking a bite every time they stuck. I was beginning to feel really annoyed. I got up and put my clothes on and went on deck. The above is not overdrawn; it is a truthful sketch of inter-island schooner life.”

HumorShipsSailingBugsSailorExaggerationPestsSchooner
Book:Roughing It
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“Just at this juncture the boy felt a slow, fateful grip closing on his ear, and a steady lifting impulse. In that vise he was borne across the house and deposited in his own seat, under a peppering fire of giggles from the whole school. Then the master stood over him during a few awful moments, and finally moved away to his throne without saying a word. But although Tom's ear tingled, his heart was jubilant.”

HumorMark TwainTom Sawyer
Book:The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
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“As the service proceeded, the clergyman drew such pictures of the graces, the winning ways, and the rare promise of the lost lads that every soul there, thinking he recognized these pictures, felt a pang in remembering that he had persistently blinded himself to them always before, and had as persistently seen only faults and flaws in the poor boys. The minister related many a touching incident in the lives of the departed, too, which illustrated their sweet, generous natures, and the people could easily see, now, how noble and beautiful those episodes were, and remembered with grief that at the time they occurred they had seemed rank rascalities, well deserving of the cowhide. The congregation became more and more moved, as the pathetic tale went on, till at last the whole company broke down and joined the weeping mourners in a chorus of anguished sobs, the preacher himself giving way to his feelings, and crying in the pulpit.”

HumorMark TwainTom Sawyer
Book:The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
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“And now at this moment, when hope was dead, Tom Sawyer came forward with nine yellow tickets, nine red tickets, and ten blue ones, and demanded a Bible. This was a thunderbolt out of a clear sky. Walters was not expecting an application from this source for the next ten years. But there was no getting around it—here were the certified checks, and they were good for their face. Tom was therefore elevated to a place with the Judge and the other elect, and the great news was announced from headquarters. It was the most stunning surprise of the decade, and so profound was the sensation that it lifted the new hero up to the judicial one’s altitude, and the school had two marvels to gaze upon in place of one. The boys were all eaten up with envy—but those that suffered the bitterest pangs were those who perceived too late that they themselves had contributed to this hated splendor by trading tickets to Tom for the wealth he had amassed in selling whitewashing privileges. These despised themselves, as being the dupes of a wily fraud, a guileful snake in the grass.”

HumorMark TwainTom Sawyer
Book:The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
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“During two long weeks Tom lay a prisoner, dead to the world and its happenings. He was very ill, he was interested in nothing. When he got upon his feet at last and moved feebly downtown, a melancholy change had come over everything and every creature. There had been a “revival,” and everybody had “got religion,” not only the adults, but even the boys and girls. Tom went about, hoping against hope for the sight of one blessed sinful face, but disappointment crossed him everywhere. He found Joe Harper studying a Testament, and turned sadly away from the depressing spectacle. He sought Ben Rogers, and found him visiting the poor with a basket of tracts. He hunted up Jim Hollis, who called his attention to the precious blessing of his late measles as a warning. Every boy he encountered added another ton to his depression; and when, in desperation, he flew for refuge at last to the bosom of Huckleberry Finn and was received with a Scriptural quotation, his heart broke and he crept home and to bed realizing that he alone of all the town was lost, forever and forever.”

HumorMark TwainTom Sawyer
Book:The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
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“We wished to go to the Ambrosian Library, and we did that also. We saw a manuscript of Virgil, with annotations in the handwriting of Petrarch, the gentleman who loved another man's Laura, and lavished upon her all through life a love which was a clear waste of the raw material. It was sound sentiment, but bad judgment. It brought both parties fame, and created a fountain of commiseration for them in sentimental breasts that is running yet. But who says a word in behalf of poor Mr. Laura? (I do not know his other name.) Who glorifies him? Who bedews him with tears? Who writes poetry about him? Nobody. How do you suppose he liked the state of things that has given the world so much pleasure? How did he enjoy having another man following his wife every where and making her name a familiar word in every garlic-exterminating mouth in Italy with his sonnets to her pre-empted eyebrows? They got fame and sympathy--he got neither. This is a peculiarly felicitous instance of what is called poetical justice. It is all very fine; but it does not chime with my notions of right. It is too one-sided--too ungenerous.”

HumorTwainVirgilInnocents AbroadTwainisms
Book:The Innocents Abroad, Or, the New Pilgrims' Progress
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“First they done a lecture on temperance; but they didn't make enough for them both to get drunk on. Then in another village they started a dancing-school; but they didn't know no more how to dance than a kangaroo does; so the first prance they made the general public jumped in and pranced them out of town. Another time they tried to go at yellocution; but they didn't yellocute long till the audience got up and give them a solid good cussing, and made them skip out.”

HumorHuckleberry Finn
Author:Mark Twain
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“Every man in the earth possesses some share of intellect, large or small; and be it large or be it small he takes pride in it. Also his heart swells at mention of the names of the majestic intellectual chiefs of his race, and he loves the tale of their splendid achievements. For he is of their blood, and in honoring themselves they have honored him. (...) And then he contrived a heaven that hasn't a rag of intellectuality in it anywhere!”

HumorFunnyReligionHeavenIntelligenceIntelect
Book:Letters from the Earth: Uncensored Writings
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“I reverently believe that the Maker who made us all makes everything in New England but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather clerk's factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it...”

IfsThinkingKnowsBelieveMadeCountryHumorClothesEnglandExperimentsWeatherBoardsCustomsMakersArticlesFactoriesElsewhereGood ArtNew EnglandClerksApprentice
Author:Mark Twain
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“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

LifeHumorFunnyPoliticalPoliticsLibertyMembersDrinkingCongressWittyLibertarianIdiotRepeatsSarcasticGoverningFreedom And LibertyProhibitionFreedom LibertyProperty RightsLimited GovernmentFunny RelationshipPoisonousPolitical HumorLimiting GovernmentLibertarian PartyLimited FreedomPolitical WillGreat LibertarianFunny PoliticalLimiting FreedomGreat PoliticalGovernment And PoliticsGovernment PoliticsPolitics FunnyFunny PoliticianLegislative BranchDark SarcasmAnti PoliticalBest PoliticalPolitical Wisdom
Author:Mark Twain
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“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

PeopleInspirationalWisdomHumorMotivationalFunnyHappinessPeaceLeadershipInspiringQualityWiseHonestyInspirational LifeWords Of WisdomIntegrityWittyThings To DoRight ThingMotivatedWorkplaceEnd Of The WorldFunny InspirationalGratificationAstonishingDoing The Right ThingAstonishmentService CultureDoing RightFunny MotivationalDoes It MatterHonesty IntegrityWise PeopleHonesty And IntegrityHonest And IntegrityRest Of LifeHonor And IntegrityEthics And IntegrityLight Of My Life
Author:Mark Twain
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“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”

HumorFunnyEvilWealthMoneyHumorousBibleRootsFinancialRichesGood And EvilSarcasticBiblicalWickednessPenniesRich And PoorSaving MoneyFunny MoneyCore ValuesLove Of MoneySpending MoneyRich PoorRich MoneyWise MoneyMisusedGood Against EvilInspirational MoneyScornedLesser EvilMoney TalksBest MoneyValue Of MoneyOld MoneyMoney And HappinessGreatest WealthMoney Is The Root Of All EvilMisquotingLove And MoneyBeing BrokeCan Money Buy HappinessCovetingSuccess And MoneyEconomic ValueSuccess MoneyAvarice GreedMoney Doesn't Buy HappinessSmart MoneyTalking About MoneyGreat MoneyI Love MoneyNature Of EvilMoral FailureMoney Is EvilBoiler RoomHell Hath No FuryEvil LoveEvil Within
Book:The Devil's Race-track: Mark Twain's Great Dark Writings : the Best from Which was the Dream? and Fables of Man
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“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

LifeHumorFunnyRememberSpiritualLife IsMysteryInspirational LifeDepressionHumorousMadnessMadMental HealthDisappearPsychologicalThis LifeLive LifeInsanityMeaning Of LifeSanityLoving LifeFunny LifeMystery Of LifeMadness And SanityInsanity And SanityMadness And InsanityLife TeachesWhat Is The Meaning Of LifeWhen Life Is HardMetaphors Of LifeWit And HumorUnsolved MysteriesLife Is Crazy
Book:The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain
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