Best hell & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it.”

I Can Eye Action Funny Wonder Hell Football Plenty Nfl Afternoon Pornography American Football Funny American Football Watching Football

Book:The answer is baseball: a book of questions that illuminate the great game

Source: The answer is baseball: a book of questions that illuminate the great game

“Give me snuff, whiskey, and Swedes, and I will build a railroad to hell.”

Giving Funny Hell Give Me Executives Construction Whiskey Railroads Sweden Railway Snuff

Author:James J. Hill

“If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?”

Ifs Humor Funny Hell

Author:Chic Murray

“There is no path I follow. I feel as if I'm just drifting along, because although I can progress physically, through my training, mentally and spiritually I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's like that car sticker: 'Don't follow me, I'm lost'.”

Ifs Knows Inspirational Feels I Can Funny Lost Hell Path Progress Car Training Entertaining Athletics Follow Me Drifting Sticker Bloopers

Author:Steve Ovett

“She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.”

Heart Funny Faces Watches Hell Raises Clock Bless

Author:Celia Rivenbark

“Sometimes you just gotta let sh-t go and say 'to hell with it' and move on.”

Sometimes Funny Moving Hell

Author:Eminem

“Summing it Up..."Where's a good place for dinner?" I asked. "There's the Brasserie Lipp on the Avenue St. Germaine," she said, "or La Coupole in Montmartre." "Not La Coupole," I said. "I've been there before. That's the place that's crowded and noisy and smells bad and everybody's rude as hell, isn't it?" "I think you just described France," she said.”

Thinking Said Funny Hell Dinner Smell France Rude Avenues Crowded Noisy Good Place

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“Life is short and if you're looking for extension, you had best do well. 'Cause there's good deeds and then there's good intentions. They are as far apart as Heaven and Hell.”

Ifs Life Wells Funny Life Is Heaven Causes Hell Intention Deeds Extensions Good Deeds Life Is Short Good Intentions Heaven And Hell

Author:Ben Harper

“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"”

People Thinking Knows Should Two Shows Humor Might Funny Next Watches Millions Hell Late Stores Comedian Having Fun Introduction Letterman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"”

Said Humor Running Funny Moving Guy Hell Caught Bars Hey Hats Pairs Nerves Apologizing Rude Caught Up This Guy Accessories Go To Hell Sunglasses Mustache Hey You Earrings Ponytails

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.”

People Ifs Humor Funny Fun Hell Adults Get Up Having Fun Slides

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.”

Humor Funny Lost Sound Hell Addiction Annoyed Wallets Casinos Lost Money Velcro

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn't his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.”

Said States Funny Remember President United United States Hell Policy Television Faults Iran Foreign Policy Scandal Never Ending Reaganomics Iran Contra

Book:Dave Barry Turns Forty

Source: Dave Barry Turns Forty

“When you're in @#*!#-ing hell, your forehead can feel a wee bit feverish. (By the way, that's the way my wife actually curses. She doesn't use dirty words; she'll literally say "asterisk, pound sign, exclamation point, the-letter-'A'-with-a-circle-around-it, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.")”

Way Feels Use Funny Bits Hell Wife Letters My Wife Circles Dirty Curse Pounds Foreheads Swearing Exclamation Dirty Words Exclamation Points

Author:Paul Reiser

“When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.”

Men Way Done Humor Funny Names Hell Damn Embarrassing Slow Down Skip Vitamins

Author:Demetri Martin

“The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?”

Men Humor Kids Funny Hell Sexy Dirty Old Man

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'”

Ifs Knows I Can Book Humor Funny Hell Management Excited Anger Management

Author:Marc Maron

“The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!”

Want Humor Funny Hell Arms Bears Amendments Second Amendment Right To Bear Arms

Author:Robin Williams

“Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!”

Years Humor Funny Hell Written College Sick Notes Take Me Mum Seventies Take Me Back

Author:Bob Monkhouse

“Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, "Do not eat." Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots goin', "Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that. I don't know what the hell that is."”

Knows Needs Looks Said Bigs Funny Stuff Boys Hell Comedy Red Letters Opening Pairs Boots

Author:Larry the Cable Guy

“Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."”

People Littles Doe I Can Two Whole Bigs Funny Jobs Guy Half Hell Clear Comedy Feet Higher Bottles This Guy Pills Pharmacist

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.”

Said Whole Home Humor Funny Hell Doors Middle Car Building Keys One Day Ran Apartment Highways Policemen Driveway Car Keys

Author:Steven Wright

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