Best humor & knows Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 2

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

Knows Men Way Looks I Can Humor Funny Comedy Car Headlights

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

Knows Want Shows Humor Funny Sea Tvs Late Rivers Fishes Boat Lakes Fishing Let It Go Trout Fishing

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Humor Hands Funny Comedy Dangerous Wave What If Cocky

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”

People Knows Shows Humor Funny Lasts Night Comedy Please Last Night Night Time

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"”

People Thinking Knows Should Two Shows Humor Might Funny Next Watches Millions Hell Late Stores Comedian Having Fun Introduction Letterman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!”

Knows Mind Said Humor Funny Forget Sells Load Of My Mind Forget Everything

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.”

Ifs Knows Two Humor Funny Turns Next Imagine Player Magic Beats Sticks Soup Bass Drummer Wands Bass Players Magic Wands

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!”

Ifs Knows Needs Humor Funny Tickets Scratches Lottery Lotion Lottery Ticket

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.”

Knows Writing Humor Funny Numbers Dad Letters My Dad Communicate Letter Writing

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."”

Knows Humor Funny Asks My Friends Tests Aids Do You Know Know Me Brian

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!”

Knows Way Doe Said Two Humor Funny Together Easy Born Simple Saws Middle Missing Tvs Arms Letters Raises They Said Contractions

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"”

Knows Writing Kind Stories Humor Kids Funny Car Inspire Yeah Inspired Silly Hey Lakes True Story Gorillas

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”

Knows Needs Kind Sometimes Humor Funny Car Ten Smell Miles Emergencies Brake Levers Car Rental

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.”

Knows Way Humor Funny Acid

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."”

Knows Mind Humor Funny Guy Lost Crazy Mouths Sane That Guy Straws

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"”

Thinking Knows Problem Humor Funny Guy Audience Laughing Jokes That Guy Distinctive

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.”

Knows Stills I Can Humor Funny Used Know How Fire Dad Summer Mark My Dad Bags Texas Flip Aprons

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".”

Knows Mean Shows Humor Funny Term Jokes Add Sugar Cds Show Biz

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."”

People Knows Two Real Enough Humor Funny Moving Next Asks Easy Answers Numbers Presses Phones Next Time Phone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".”

Ifs Knows Should Humor Funny Together Cutting Arms Type Corn Corn On The Cob

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!”

People Knows Way Want Doe Shows Humor Hands Funny Sound Fronts Comfortable Sticks Bunch Drunk Chairs Electric

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.”

People Knows Feels Humans Said Humor Funny Human Beings Animal Heavy Singers Tonight Concerts Metals Heavy Metal

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.”

Knows Said Humor Wanted Funny House Sleep Know How Wall My Friends Damn Gravity

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”

Ifs Knows Way Humor Light Wanted Funny Turns Three Break Opposites Mess Brighter Bulbs Light Bulb Three Ways

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."”

Ifs Knows Shows Humor Happens Funny Guy Winning Happened Advertising Choke Advertisements Hamburgers Casinos

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.”

Ifs Knows Doe Humor Funny Break Worry Know How Car Down And Gas Breaking Down Tanks Cocky Wallets Toolbox Aka

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.”

Ifs Knows Doe Helping Humor Funny Cold Come Up Heal Arrows Alleviate

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!”

People Ifs Knows Two Humor Seems Care Funny Three Next Names Waiting Answers Party Happened Missing Calling Yeah Busy Lists Hungry Restaurants

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.”

Knows Looks Mean Humor Hands Funny Guy Next Eating Bars Next Time Candy Candy Bar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

Ifs Knows Has Beens Ends Humor Kids Funny Saws Excited Flying Parks Chairs Strings Impressed Kites

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"”

Knows Men Want I Can Use Humor Funny Enjoy Numbers Company Calling Letters Phones Brands Hello Brand New Did You Know Phone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.”

Knows Trying Stills Use Humor Wanted Funny Turns Stuff Enjoy Dad Letters My Dad Quitting Harsh Operators Steamboats

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"”

Thinking Knows Needs Mean Hard Humor Seems Funny Night Water Tvs Products Late Garden Plant Late Night Very Mean Cactus

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like to use big words so people will think I know what I'm talking about.”

People Thinking Knows Use Humor Bigs Funny Talking Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“I don't know about Willie Davis. He's not as young as he used to be.”

Knows Humor Funny Young Used Baseball Used To Be

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Don't write about what you don't know even if you don't know it.”

Ifs Knows Writing Humor Funny

Author:Gertrude Stein

“The clever men of Oxford, know all that there is to be knowed but they none of them know one half as much as intelligent Mr. Toad.”

Knows Men Humor Funny Half Intelligent Clever Oxford One Half Toads Clever Man Oxford University

Author:Kenneth Grahame

“If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.”

Ifs Knows Humor Funny Boxes Pandora Trojans Pandora's Box

Author:Ernest Bevin

“In your heart you know he's right.”

Knows Heart Humor Funny

Book:Pure Goldwater

Source: Pure Goldwater

“Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.”

Knows Soul Humor Funny Poor Husband Late Very Sad

Author:William Archibald Spooner

“I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.”

Knows Men Needs Ideas Humor Funny Know How Gay Assuming No Idea Gay Men

Author:Chelsea Handler

“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

“I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.”

Knows Humor Funny Needed Pregnancy Hangover

Author:Chelsea Handler

“I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine”

Knows Facts Humor Funny Magazines Heat True Fact

Author:Bill Bailey

“Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.”

Knows World Humor Funny Used Natural Orchestra Natural World Sharks Swans Trout Jellyfish

Author:Bill Bailey

“You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts."”

Knows Wells War Humor Funny Weapons Incredibles Iraq Reports Do You Know Persian Gulf War Receipts Persian Gulf

Author:Bill Hicks

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.”

Knows Doe Humor Funny Guy Morning Worry Know How Ridiculous Awake Ridiculous Things

Author:Billy Connolly

“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”

Ifs Knows Whole Humor Funny House Sides Hours Cracks Do You Know Vcr

Author:Chris Rock

“You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.”

Knows Enough Humor Funny Good Enough Diploma Ged

Author:Chris Rock

“You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!”

Ifs Knows Problem Humor Funny Guy Sun Clubs Daytime

Author:Chris Rock

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