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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'”

Thinking Knows Feels Writing Looks Mean Whole Humor Funny Young Walks Modern Like You Yeah Coffee Hey Posts Paris Shops Gaps Application Patriot Exes Bohemian Coffee Shop Retro Beatnik

Author:Marc Maron

“I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.”

Knows Humor Funny Air Taste Los Angeles

Author:Marc Maron

“I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.”

Knows Humor Funny Lasts Guy Cutting Wife Week Months Couple My Wife No Respect

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!”

Knows Said Humor Action Funny House Hey Drivers Take Me Cab No Respect Business Trips

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."”

Knows Feels Looks Said Humor Funny Perfect Morning Doctors Mirrors Yeah Get Up Throwing Every Morning Eyesight Vomiting Throwing Up Ugly Face

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".”

Knows Made Said Humor Funny Made It Policemen Subway

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.”

People Knows Way Humor Funny Black Holes Exit Black Hole

Author:Tim Vine

“Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.”

Ifs Knows Giving Humor Funny Birth Sticks Eggs Insects Jars Did You Know

Author:Tim Vine

“You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

Knows I Can Humor Funny Half Magic Members Very Good Circles Tricks

Author:Tim Vine

“A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.”

Knows Men Long Said Humor Funny Havens He Man Long Time Doctors Ill

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.”

Knows Wells Humor Funny Fire Couple Blow Tricks Seconds Candle Factories

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"”

Knows Men Feels I Can Humor Funny Serious Arms Doctors Rounds Legs Accidents Hospitals

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.”

Knows Wells Looks Mean Children Home Humor Funny Lines Inspired Rings Selling Shopping Know Me Toes Medication Zodiac

Book:Bossypants

Source: Bossypants

“In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."”

People Ifs Knows Said Humor Funny Hate Paris Interviews Love Hate Gonorrhea

Author:Tina Fey

“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.”

Knows Years Said Ends Humor Funny My Own Deals Know How Four Crazy Fronts Years Ago Misery Workers Bread Four Years Pizza My Own Life Ankles Huts Co Worker

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.”

People Ifs Knows I Can Humor Funny Know How Gay Fats Cerebral Cerebral Palsy

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.”

Knows Humor Funny Fit Fats Sock

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Years Looks Humor Funny Guy Groups Jew Desert Maps Moses

Author:Adam Ferrara

“My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.”

Knows Humor Earth Funny Jesus Catholic My Favorite Graves Celebrate Rising Holiday Eggs Easter Coming Back Rabbits

Author:Adam Ferrara

“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.”

Knows Men Way Stills Humor Bigs Funny Found Father Black Huge Dad My Dad Complicated Racist Santa Santa Claus Let Down Good Father

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.”

Knows Feels Littles Stills Humor Funny Found Parent Serious Brother Eating Caught Tiny Bags Funeral Airline Peanuts Allergies Little Brother My Little Brother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."”

Ifs Knows Humor Might Funny Guy Next Lines Saws Checks Video Towers Jumping Buddy Flew That Guy Cords Operators Bungee Jumping Bungee

Author:Bill Engvall

“This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.”

“I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.”

Ifs Knows Want Whole Humor Funny Ritual Cake Candle Germs My Birthday

Author:Craig Ferguson

“From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!”

Knows War Home Humor Funny Schooling Korean Korean War

Author:George Lopez

“You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.”

People Knows Humor Funny Names Black White Know How Borders Kitchen Restaurants Black People Mexican Barrels Shackles Cafes Crackers Nevermind

Author:George Lopez

“Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.”

Ifs Knows Humor Funny Church Score Sunday Priests Raiders

Author:George Lopez

“You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Humor Funny Jesus Heaven Salad Spinach

Author:Katt Williams

“You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.”

Knows Two Humor Funny Species Fishes Partners

Author:Kristen Schaal

“He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.”

Knows Want Ends Humor Wanted Funny Boundaries

Author:Kristen Schaal

“When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"”

Ifs Knows Writing Littles Doe Play Humor Kids School Funny Pain Song Poet Adults Rhyme Sharks Love And Pain

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.”

Knows Two Humor Funny Enjoy Opinion Five Magic Serious Drink Dancing Tricks Biographies Mike Wildlife Magic Tricks

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."”

People Knows Wells Humor Funny America Come Up Annoying

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.”

Ifs Knows Humor Funny Next Boys Plans Week Rocks Yeah Indian Islands Rock N Roll Living On Tuesday Rehab Thursday According To Plan

Author:Noel Fielding

“The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.”

Knows Humor School Funny Purpose Boys Ties Belts Accessories Rambo

Author:Noel Fielding

“I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"”

Knows Humor Funny Names Numbers Know How Yeah Idiot Mates Accents Irish Accent

Author:Noel Fielding

“When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.”

Knows Play Humor Funny Know How Drink Humorous Wine Drinking Alcohol Drunk Sober Liquor Drinking Alcohol

Author:Richard Burton

“I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."”

Thinking Knows I Can Humor Might Funny Song Music Written Listening Radio

Author:Steven Wright

“I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.”

Ifs Knows Want Doe Said Book Humor Light Happens Funny Jobs Guy Turns Reading Asks Let Me Speed Things Happen Interviews Turn-on Spaceships Speed Of Light Job Interview Headlights

Author:Steven Wright