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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.”

ThinkingKnowsHumorFunnyThreeCausesVoiceTalkingGaySorryAssDo You KnowOne TimeI'm SorryThree TimesSandwichesDaveBeing GayHomophobicCucumbersVoices In My Head
Author:Dave Attell
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“I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."”

KnowsShouldI CanTwoHumorFunnyTogetherStuffLosesBreakForeverCuttingRocksFinePaperThirdsDestroyedDamageTake MeBentBreak ThroughBack TogetherDynamiteScissors
Author:Demetri Martin
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“There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga... bt... Jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga... ba... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice."”

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Author:Dylan Moran
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“People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move your eyes down to where your nipples used to be, put your breasts up on your head, everybody will pay attention!”

PeopleIfsKnowsWantWellsHumorEyeFunnyMovingUsedPayAttentionObviousUsed To BePay AttentionBreastsWhy NotDepressingRoutesImplantsNipples
Author:Dylan Moran
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“You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.”

ThinkingKnowsPersonsHas BeensArtHumorFunnyTalkingNiceModernLike YouListeningEuropeTheaterYeahCriticalGermanyAffable
Author:Dylan Moran
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“People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!”

PeopleKnowsFeelsLongHumorFunnyRoomsNiceLong TimeWinnerStaringHotelQuartersBathroomToiletsVegasNice ThingsArrivalsHotel RoomsCasinos
Author:Lewis Black
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“They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!”

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Author:Lewis Black
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“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...”

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Author:Ellen DeGeneres
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“God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy - they're reluctant prophets.”

PeopleKnowsI CanHumorSeemsFunnyUsedGuySidesRealizingTalkingLeaderCrazyStreetsWalkingOne DayConversationProphetManhattanReluctant
Author:Marc Maron
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“A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'”

PeopleIfsThinkingKnowsLittlesDoeHumorHappensRunningFunnyJesusChurchMinutesFrontsNew YorkFineTomorrowOfficeLateAskingRoundsJewPostsBusComing BackAlrightPost OfficeI'm Back
Author:Marc Maron
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