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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.”

Knows Men Way Stills Humor Bigs Funny Found Father Black Huge Dad My Dad Complicated Racist Santa Santa Claus Let Down Good Father

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men”

Men Want Humor Funny Guy Causes Buddy

Author:Bill Engvall

“This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.”

“My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.”

Men Humor Funny Mother Father Simple Results Fronts Standing Simpletons Simple Man

Author:Chic Murray

“A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.”

Men Humor Hands Funny Lays Sabbath Scots

Author:Chic Murray

“So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."”

Men Trying Said Matter Humor Funny Lying Fall Break Bars Pockets Gutters Toffee

Author:Chic Murray

“My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.”

Men Humor Funny Courses Father Wish Watches Gold Posts Generous Deathbed Cheques Generous Man Aberdeen

Author:Chic Murray

“A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.”

Men Years Humor Funny Police South Suspects Casinos Dakota Mummy South Dakota

Author:Craig Ferguson

“Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.”

Men Two Helping Humor Hands Funny Laughing Silly Spit Helping Each Other Being Silly

Author:Jim Norton

“I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.”

Ifs Men Mean Two Humor Would Be Funny Car Gay Theater Touching Making Love Hood Movie Theater

Author:Kristen Schaal

“Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?”

Men Way Humor Would Be Funny Guy Car Right Now Flames

Author:Kristen Schaal

“The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.”

Men Heart Humor Funny Grows Watches Creative Ambition Method Plant Patient China Torture Bamboo Anus

Author:Kristen Schaal

“1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.”

Men Firsts Humor Funny Moving Waiting Sides Men And Women Opposites Valentine Valentine's Day

Author:Kristen Schaal

“I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'”

Men Want Humor Funny Doors Walking Heroin Walking Out

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.”

Ifs Thinking Men Stills Humor Funny Guy Causes Fine Workplace

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I don't see the point of watching men exercise.”

Men Humor Funny Exercise

Author:Natasha Leggero

“Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.”

Thinking Men Humor Funny Song Causes Black Heard New Songs

Author:Natasha Leggero

“They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.”

Ifs Men Mind Humor Funny Not Sure Call Me

Author:Noel Fielding

“Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.”

Men Made Humor Funny Powerful Known Tears Most Powerful Juice Goth Hairspray

Author:Noel Fielding

“I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.”

Men Want Humor Funny Known He Man Apples Soil Caps Crisps Pandas

Author:Noel Fielding

“You never realize a dog is a man's best friend until you start betting on horses.”

Men Humor Realizing Dog Horse Betting

Author:Karel Capek

“Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.”

Men Humor Funny Happiness Joy Wise Laughter Dunces

Book:Delphi Complete Works of Lord Byron (Illustrated)

Source: Delphi Complete Works of Lord Byron (Illustrated)

“In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?”

Men Country Enough Problem Humor Funny Lasts Attention Wonder Week Couple Advertising Breasts Ads Bras

Author:Hugh Grant