Humor Quotes

“When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.”

MenWayDoneHumorFunnyNamesHellDamnEmbarrassingSlow DownSkipVitamins

Author:Demetri Martin

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“I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.”

MenSaidHumorFunnyBehindsCarObjectsCoupleArgumentMirrorsMadStuckHorribleTrafficStuck In Traffic

Author:Demetri Martin

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“Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!”

PeopleKnowsMenFactsHumorFunnyNew YorkYeahVietnamImpressSleevesBadges

Author:Denis Leary

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“"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"”

IfsMenWantYearsWellsEndsHumorFunnyGuyRedOkayPaidYeahAssMeatCoveredFifteenThis GuySweatersFifteen YearsRed Meat

Author:Denis Leary

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“You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!”

PeopleMenHas BeensHumorFunnySexFireShotsHeadacheX MenInfantile

Author:Dylan Moran

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“Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'”

MenWayLooksHumorFunnyBabyLovelyBreasts

Author:Dylan Moran

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“When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!”

MenHumorFunnySoundRoomsHorrorChaosHorribleTeethRepeatsPigsWeeping

Author:Lewis Black

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“Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"”

MenWellsLooksPersonsDoneHumorFunnyHavensHe ManTaxesPaidMirrorsCourtExcuseTrust MeExcuse Me

Author:Lewis Black

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“I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

KnowsMenNeedsHumorFunnyDecisionSickSoup

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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“I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"”

MenProblemHumorFunnyModernBuyingMumNo ProblemModern ManTampons

Author:Jimmy Carr

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“The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.”

MenReasonUseHumorFunnyUglyOld ManOld WomanViagra

Author:Jimmy Carr

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“That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.”

PeopleIfsMenWantFeelsHumorFunnyStuffBreakPiecesProtectWindowGlassesClubsStealingWheelsCrapSteering

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

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“I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.”

MenHumorFunnyMaterialsStealingAccusingFunny Men

Author:Frank Carson

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“A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."”

MenGivingHumorFunnyWalksWindowGive MeSellsShopsPetWaspsShopkeepers

Author:Frank Carson

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“A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."”

MenHumorFunnyAsksWifePhotographBootsPrescriptionsChemistViagra

Author:Frank Carson

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“A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."”

MenSaidFeelingsHumorFunnyThreeWalksMinutesHe ManDoctorsSorryEggsHospitalsSaying Sorry

Author:Frank Carson

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“A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."”

MenShouldHumorFunnyHoursNewsShould HaveDoctorsYesterdayGood NewsBad News

Author:Frank Carson

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“An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.”

KnowsMenHumorWantedFunnyWifeBirthHusbandTwinsIrishmen

Author:Frank Carson

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“A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."”

MenHumorFunnyWifeHe ManBrotherMy WifeMatesTwinsBeard

Author:Frank Carson

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“A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."”

MenFirstsHumorFunnyGuyTurnsNextAsksHappenedHe ManLuckyWindowGlassesCoveredToesLucky YouBandages

Author:Frank Carson

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“Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.”

MenHumorFunnyWeakArguingSkinnySalad

Author:Frank Carson

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“There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."”

KnowsMenSaidHumorFunnyRoomsSittingRidiculousIceDiningDining Rooms

Author:Frank Carson

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“A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."”

MenHumorFunnyLastsFrontsJudgingCourtWhy NotLast TimeRecognise

Author:Frank Carson

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“A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."”

MenSaidHumorFunnyFourShopsEggsCracksDozenCracked

Author:Frank Carson

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“The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.”

MenHumorFunnyThreeMillionsCostSixDollarsMillion Dollars

Author:Frank Carson

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“A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.”

MenMaySaidHumorFunnyFoundReportsCoveredSauceStrawberriesFlakesSprinklesFound Dead

Author:Frank Carson

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“Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!”

ThinkingMenShowsProblemHumorFunnySurveysPrematureEjaculationPremature Ejaculation

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.”

PeopleKnowsMenHumorFunnyReadingLaughingDadMy DadTelephonesMake You Laugh

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?”

MenHumorKidsFunnyHellSexyDirtyOld Man

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."”

MenHumorFunnyBeautifulFallCitiesWifeMinutesTenSittingFalling In LoveMy WifeBeautiful WomenSubwayI Fall In Love

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'”

MenWantKindMomentsDreamHumorFunnyDiesHalfSickMirrorsFatsCompromiseSomedayThat MomentOther HalfLooking In The Mirror

Author:Marc Maron

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“A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!”

MenYearsHumorFunnyAsksRoomsCrowdsHey

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

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“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."”

IfsMenHumorFunnyWaitingIceIf I CouldLakesOld ManSkatingIce Skating

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

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“I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.”

PeopleMenRealHumorFunnyYoungCareersBitterYoung ManSour

Author:Steve Martin

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“So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."”

MenSaidHumorFunnyWatchesHe ManShopsVinesAnalogue

Author:Tim Vine

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“Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.”

MenTwoHumorFunnyGunFishesTanks

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.”

MenGivingHumorFunnyGuyWalksBarsShouldersLumpsPubsPintsAsphalt

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.”

KnowsMenLongSaidHumorFunnyHavensHe ManLong TimeDoctorsIll

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'”

MenSaidHumorFunnyGuyNextArmsDrinkSittingBarsHeySleevesHey You

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"”

MenSaidTwoHumorFunnySawsMen And WomenItemsTesco

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.”

MenHumorFunnyLyingFoundPoliceIceCoveredCreamIce CreamVansLying On The Floor

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."”

MenWellsProblemHumorSeemsFunnyAsksWalksFiveHe ManFitOfficeDoctorsGlovesTrousers

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"”

KnowsMenFeelsI CanHumorFunnySeriousArmsDoctorsRoundsLegsAccidentsHospitals

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."”

MenHumorFunnyPartyFrontsHe ManDressesCome UpSupposed To BeFancyPantsPrematureEjaculationPremature Ejaculation

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“A dyslexic man walks into a bra.”

MenHumorFunnyWalksBrasDyslexic

Author:Tommy Cooper

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“At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.”

MenFirstsHumorFunnyTogetherWifeFirst TimeHopefullyAwardsJenniferGrammy

Author:Tina Fey

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“Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'”

MenHumorFunnyGirlAsksOne DayMy FriendsAsk MeThat GirlOne Day At A Time

Author:Adam Ferrara

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“I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.”

MenHumorFunnyThreeHoursSecretMagazinesVictoriaVictoria's Secret

Author:Adam Ferrara

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“Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'”

MenShouldHumorFunnyLyingEgoMy FriendsDrivenSwearConquestSwear To God

Author:Adam Ferrara

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“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'”

MenWellsHumorBigsEyeRunningFunnyNightChoicesCausesHurtDealsMiddleHugeBedBiggerPopsBedroomDaddyMiddle Of The NightBoogie

Author:Adam Ferrara

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