Humor Quotes

“I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."”

MenWantSaidHumorFunnyEightStoresApplesBagsClerks

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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“People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”

PeopleThinkingMenWayPlayHumorFunnySportsEnjoyForgetBasketballThirstyDemographicsGatorade

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"”

KnowsMenWantI CanUseHumorFunnyEnjoyNumbersCompanyCallingLettersPhonesBrandsHelloBrand NewDid You KnowPhone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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“I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"”

MenWayWantLooksHardHomeHumorWould BeFunnyHoursHalfCuttingGrassMobileSneakRepo Man

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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“If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.”

IfsMenMadeHumorFunnyLaughingKeysJokesTradeDuplicationPimping

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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“Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".”

MenHumorFunnyRichNiceCarefulArroganceBe Careful

Author:Rita Rudner

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“If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.”

IfsMenWantPlayHumorFunnyAttentionInvolvedSeasonsGet InvolvedOff Season

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.”

MenFeelsImportantHumorFunnyPhonesButtons

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.”

MenFirstsHumorFunnyMorningNewspapersUpsetPsych

Author:Rita Rudner

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“All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.”

MenLooksHumorFunnyBlackSockNerdySandals

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.”

MenHumorFunnyBaseballCapsBaseball Caps

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.”

MenBookHumorFunnyWatchesHusbandFunctionCombinationPianoAddressesMy HusbandMultipleTelescopesAddress Books

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.”

IfsMenWayDoeHumorFunnyLastsFireStrangeBuiltSensitive

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.”

MenWarEnoughHumorFunnyBraveBikinis

Author:Rita Rudner

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“All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.”

ThinkingMenHumorFunnyGuyNamesNiceListsContactNice Guy

Author:Rita Rudner

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“If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.”

IfsThinkingMenHumorMightFunnyJobsTheoryDatingSurpriseButterflyNastyPsychiatristNew JobCocoonsMr Right

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.”

MenYearsHumorFunnyPlayerTeamBasketballShortsOutfitsCheerleaderBasketball Team

Author:Rita Rudner

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“No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.”

MenHumorFunnyRecordsGrantsCharming

Author:Rita Rudner

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“When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.”

MenHumorFunnyTogetherSportsFourGet Together

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.”

MenWayHumorFunnySentimental

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"”

MenHumorFunnyWinningTeamCarFulfilledIntrospective

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."”

MenSaidHumorFunnyHateSexLosesHusbandBeatsTennisMy Husband

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."”

MenLooksHumorFunnySidesAcceptingExampleThanksComplimentLightingRuth

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.”

MenHomeHumorFunnyImpulseBuyingShoppingMachoMacho Man

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.”

MenHumorFunnyClassical MusicSpit

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.”

MenHumorFunnyComplicatedSuitsWornBathroomSkisJumpsuits

Author:Rita Rudner

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“Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.”

MenNeedsFeelsHelpingHumorFunnyFrontsMarriedClothesDressesUrgesButtonsSexuallyZips

Author:Rita Rudner

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“When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.”

MenFeelsTryingHumorFunnyWeightAssumingClothingsClosets

Author:Rita Rudner

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“That big guy, Winfield, at 6'6", can do things only a small man can do.”

MenHumorBigsFunnyGuyCan DoBaseballBig GuysSmall Man

Author:Jerry Coleman

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“Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.”

MenHumorFunnyCowboyTobaccoSlapChewingCowboy WisdomCowboys And HorsesMy CowboyChewing Tobacco

Author:Will Rogers

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“Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.”

MenMayLongHumorFunnyExpressionOceanLong TimeEnglandSizeCome UpShipsBeing TrueHoney

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

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“No man is greater than his respect for sleep.”

MenHumorFunnySleepGreater

Author:Ogden Nash

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“The clever men of Oxford, know all that there is to be knowed but they none of them know one half as much as intelligent Mr. Toad.”

KnowsMenHumorFunnyHalfIntelligentCleverOxfordOne HalfToadsClever ManOxford University

Author:Kenneth Grahame

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“Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge.”

IfsMenMindHumansHumorFunnyOne ThingGreat MenHuman MindHoover

Author:Clarence Darrow

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“If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?”

IfsMenUseHumorFunnyFoundWinningSituationPhotographSpeedSettingSettingsPrizeDrowningShuttersPrize Winning

Author:Paul Harvey

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“I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.”

MenHumorFunnyRocks

Author:Ogden Nash

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“The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial.”

MenTwoReasonPlayCharacterHumorFunnyLandFinancialReason Why

Author:Arthur Adamov

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“I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.”

KnowsMenNeedsIdeasHumorFunnyKnow HowGayAssumingNo IdeaGay Men

Author:Chelsea Handler

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“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

IfsKnowsMenWayWritingFirstsFeelingsHumorHandsBigsFunnyBeliefEmotionTalkingMinutesDyingHairPeriodsFemaleBallsProfoundBad ThingsMaking UpLove For HerWriting PoemsPersonal BeliefsBig HairProfound Love

Author:Chelsea Handler

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“The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.”

MenHumorFunnyLastsFashionIndustryPacksLast TimeFashion Industry

Author:Chelsea Handler

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“But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.”

MenHumorFunnyBathroomCocky

Author:Chelsea Handler

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“Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!”

ThinkingMenWayHumorFunnySexMinutesEarsClaimsTherapistsLicking

Author:Billy Connolly

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“On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.”

MenWorldGivingEndsHumorFunnyFatherHouseWhiteTelevisionWhite HouseButtonsDesks

Author:Billy Connolly

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“And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.”

IfsMenHumorFunnyGayTenPercentTwentiesChosenChineseKneesOddsFree Time

Author:Bo Burnham

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“It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.”

IfsMenHardHumorRunningFunnyTurnsSex

Author:Chris Rock

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“Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"”

MenHumorFunnyLyingHouseBabyKevinLying MenWomen Lie

Author:Chris Rock

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“The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.”

MenStillsBodyHumorGovernmentFunnyHateLinesAlivePoliceRapIceReportsRapperDead ManVanillaChalkBiggie

Author:Chris Rock

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“Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"”

MenHumorFunnyWhiteRichCarChecksWealthyWhite ManBlingShaq

Author:Chris Rock

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“You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.”

KnowsMenShouldEndsHumorFunnyDrinkPantsBailJack DanielsWild Man

Author:Dave Attell

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“I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.”

MenBelieveSaidWholeHumorFunnyDogJokesTestsSeriesDon't BelieveBunchTonightSmarter

Author:David Cross

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