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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.”

Ifs Humor Might Funny Sides Comedy Bowls Redneck Whips Salad You Might Be A Redneck If Funny Redneck Whip It

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.”

People Country States Whole Humor Funny America Sides Comedy Percent Folks Traveled

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“A sense of humor is so handy, isn't it? It lets you see both sides of a question so that you never need do anything.”

Needs Humor Sides Sense Of Humor Both Sides Handy

Book:Mandoa, Mandoa!: A Comedy of Irrelevance

Source: Mandoa, Mandoa!: A Comedy of Irrelevance

“The Party System was founded on one national notion of fair play. It was the notion that folly and futility should be fairly divided between both sides.”

Should Play Humor Politics Sides Party Fairs Notion Folly Divided Both Sides Futility Fair Play

Author:Gilbert K. Chesterton

“It is a curious fact, but a fact it is, that your witty people are the most hard-hearted in the world. The truth is, fancy destroys feeling. The quick eye to the ridiculous turns every thing to the absurd side; and the neat sentence, the lively allusion, and the odd simile, invest what they touch with something of their own buoyant nature. Humor is of the heart, and has its tears; but wit is of the head, and has only smiles - and the majority of those are bitter.”

Source: The Complete Works of L. E. Landon: Containing Romance and Reality, Francesca Carrara, Traits and Trials of Early Life, Ethel Church, the Book of Beauty, Improvisatrice, the Troubadour, Venetian Bracelet, Golden Violet, Vow of the Peacock, Easter Gift, &c., &c

“I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"”

People Humor Funny Past Hate Sides Too Much New York I Hate Yeah Bread Meat Cows Sandwiches Crackers Pastrami

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.”

Doe Humor Funny Sides Sticks Seeds Glue Buns Adhesive

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."”

Men Looks Humor Funny Sides Accepting Example Thanks Compliment Lighting Ruth

Author:Rita Rudner

“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”

Ifs Knows Whole Humor Funny House Sides Hours Cracks Do You Know Vcr

Author:Chris Rock

“I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.”

Thinking Want Humor Funny America Asks Felt Sides Right Now Eating Red Folks Ask Me Meat Restaurants Vegetarian Bowls Dishes Broccoli Red Meat Wimps Side Dishes

Author:Denis Leary

“That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.”

Ifs Giving Humor Bigs Funny Jesus Sides Black Son Walking Right Now Give Me Died Glad Fats Beer Damn Guts Jerusalem Fries French Fries Cheeseburger

Author:Denis Leary

“Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.”

People Thinking Feels Humor Funny Moving Dies Sides Loses Hair Cancer About Yourself Disagree Strokes Chemotherapy Remission Life Sucks

Author:Denis Leary

“I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.”

Looks Children Self Humor School Funny Courses Sides Self Esteem Be Good Esteem

Author:Jimmy Carr

“You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!”

Humor Funny Sides Boxes Pounds Diapers

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."”

Humor Funny Sides Walks Wind Window Rounds Dear Officers Traffic Policemen Speeding Undoing

Author:Frank Carson

“I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.”

Knows Ideas Facts Humor Funny Sides Water Rough Bottles Printed Chemist

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy - they're reluctant prophets.”

People Knows I Can Humor Seems Funny Used Guy Sides Realizing Talking Leader Crazy Streets Walking One Day Conversation Prophet Manhattan Reluctant

Author:Marc Maron

“1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.”

Men Firsts Humor Funny Moving Waiting Sides Men And Women Opposites Valentine Valentine's Day

Author:Kristen Schaal

“I like to skate on the other side of the ice.”

Humor Funny Sides Ice Skates

Author:Steven Wright