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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.”

Men Want Should Humor Funny Guy Turns Race Feet Car Window Radio Circles Drivers Keep Going Tides Slow Down Bugs Turn-on Passengers Race Car

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.”

Ifs Knows Want Humor Funny Turns Phones Cells Cell Phone

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm beginning to feel that the real endangered species on planet earth are not the whales and the elephants but those of us who can laugh at the world and ourselves. ... I fear the dry turn of the American mind, this focus on the literal, as much as I fear our capacity for self-destruction. We've become hagridden by facts, obsessed with product instead of process. Where's the energetic wit, the looney outlook, the frivolity, the lightness of comforting laughter? It has become fashionable to know and unfashionable to feel, and you can't really laugh if you can't feel.”

“Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.”

Love Heart Littles Dream Humor Turns Love Is Gun Machines Dancing Dance Merry Sweet Love Miniatures Machine Guns Perky

Author:Matt Groening

“Anyway, after we go out and work our hearts out, after you go out and help us turn out the vote, after we've convinced the good Americans to vote, and while they're at it, pull that old George W lever, if I'm the one, when I put my hand on the Bible, when I put my hand on the Bible, that day when they swear us in, when I put my hand on the Bible, I will swear to not - to uphold the laws of the land.”

Ifs Heart Helping Humor Hands Law Political Turns Land Vote Convinced Swear Political Humor Levers

Author:George W. Bush

“I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved!”

Ifs Needs May Humor America Turns Christ Religious Serious Masters Late Convinced Saved Too Late Old Fashioned Revival Never Too Late

Author:Jerry Falwell

“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.”

Knows Trying Use Humor Light Funny Used Night Turns Water Nice Middle Dating Get Up Bathroom Turn-on Middle Of The Night Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“It is a curious fact, but a fact it is, that your witty people are the most hard-hearted in the world. The truth is, fancy destroys feeling. The quick eye to the ridiculous turns every thing to the absurd side; and the neat sentence, the lively allusion, and the odd simile, invest what they touch with something of their own buoyant nature. Humor is of the heart, and has its tears; but wit is of the head, and has only smiles - and the majority of those are bitter.”

Source: The Complete Works of L. E. Landon: Containing Romance and Reality, Francesca Carrara, Traits and Trials of Early Life, Ethel Church, the Book of Beauty, Improvisatrice, the Troubadour, Venetian Bracelet, Golden Violet, Vow of the Peacock, Easter Gift, &c., &c

“Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.”

Ifs Knows Two Humor Funny Turns Next Imagine Player Magic Beats Sticks Soup Bass Drummer Wands Bass Players Magic Wands

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.”

Ifs Mind Humor Funny Guy Turns Hot Add Hey Heat Hotel Onions Carrots Tubs Hot Tub

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”

Ifs Knows Way Humor Light Wanted Funny Turns Three Break Opposites Mess Brighter Bulbs Light Bulb Three Ways

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.”

Knows Trying Stills Use Humor Wanted Funny Turns Stuff Enjoy Dad Letters My Dad Quitting Harsh Operators Steamboats

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.”

Ifs Men Hard Humor Running Funny Turns Sex

Author:Chris Rock

“And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.”

People Wells Kind Stills Done Humor Funny Turns Jesus Havens

Author:Dylan Moran

“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.”

Long Humor Funny Spiritual Turns Leader Necks Goats Lama Tibet Spiritual Leader

Author:Milton Jones

“The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.”

Humor Funny Jobs Turns Nations United Worst Fields Thousand Mass Graves One Time United Nations Carrots Snowman

Author:Milton Jones

“A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."”

Men Firsts Humor Funny Guy Turns Next Asks Happened He Man Lucky Window Glasses Covered Toes Lucky You Bandages

Author:Frank Carson

“It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.”

Humor Funny Turns Stupid Really Stupid Dyslexic

Author:Frankie Boyle

“You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."”

Ifs Looks Two Humor Funny Turns Steps Tvs Work Out Gym Going To Work Watching Tv Remote Control

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."”

Needs Humor Funny Turns Stuff Expected Tricks Ice Bottles Recipes Freeze Cubes Trays

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'”

Looks Humor Funny Guy Turns Bones Hey Cute Shirts Look At Me T Shirt Just Saying

Author:Marc Maron

“And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.”

Children Humor Running Funny Turns Cry Aids Grieving Slips Spray Warts Hepatitis Hepatitis C

Author:Jim Norton

“I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.”

I Can Humor Funny Turns Pay Week Accounts Trade Fees

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.”

Ifs Knows Want Doe Said Book Humor Light Happens Funny Jobs Guy Turns Reading Asks Let Me Speed Things Happen Interviews Turn-on Spaceships Speed Of Light Job Interview Headlights

Author:Steven Wright