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Humorous Quotes

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Humorous Quotes

“He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do it.”

Source: The Works of Charles Dickens: Sketches by Boz : illustrative of every day life and everyday people. 1903

“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.”

Men Believe Funny Belief Humorous Harder Average Witty Apes

Author:H. L. Mencken

“Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.”

America Pay Liberty Progress Taxes Humorous Profound Average Insane Wages Taxation Income Tax Irs Tax Day Paying Taxes Taxes Funny Property Taxes

Author:H. L. Mencken

“I abhor averages. I like the individual case. A man may have six meals one day and none the next, making an average of three meals per day, but that is not a good way to live.”

Men Way May Funny Three Next Individual Cases Food One Day Six Humorous Average Meals Statistics Good Day Good Way Way To Live

Author:Louis D. Brandeis

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.”

Humor School Funny Military Students Humorous High School Average Bombs Smarter Funny Relationship Kuwait High School Students

Author:A. Whitney Brown

“When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.”

Years I Can Home Humor Used Found Fun Half Humorous Winter Average Warm Oil Beer Quantity Beer Drinking Drinking Beer Gallons Brewing Funny Beer Brewing Beer Brewers Light Beer

Author:Dave Barry

“You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!”

Knows Years War Country Practice Ten Majors Humorous Twenties Average

Book:Napalm & Silly Putty

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.”

Looks Enjoy Realizing Jokes Humorous Average

Book:Napalm & Silly Putty

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Source: Churchill By Himself

“Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to a doctor should be called in at once.”

Ifs Giving Should Children Humor Kids Funny Chance Baby Humorous Fairs Doctors Average

Book:The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow

Source: The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow