Best news & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“The Lazysphere - a working definition - is a group of bloggers who I won't name by name, but you can spot them a mile away. Rather than create new ideas or pen thoughtful essays, they simply glom on to the latest news with another "me too" blog post.”

Ideas Funny Names Groups News Definitions Miles Spots Posts Thoughtful Pens New Ideas Essays Blogs Blogging Miles Away Bloggers

Author:Steve Rubel

“Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.”

Funny Talking News Beats Tough Horse Finals Socialist Olympics Smooth Romney Kenya London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.”

Looks Humor Funny Next Drink News Saved Boat Next Time Good News Floats Limes Buoyancy Citrus

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.”

Ifs Helping Humor Funny News Ugly Release Bad News

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."”

Said Humor Funny Guy Saws Doors News Percent Hundred Good News Exit Underestimated

Author:Demetri Martin

“A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."”

Men Should Humor Funny Hours News Should Have Doctors Yesterday Good News Bad News

Author:Frank Carson

“This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.”

Humor Funny Ten News Frank Sober

Author:Frank Carson

“You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'M sick and tired of hearing about me.”

Humor Funny News Sick Tired Hearing

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don't know which way you're voting, cause it's like, "Should we not eat unbabies not on this not day?" .... So you vote no on it, and then it's on the news the next day. "Well, 74% of Americans have decided it's time to eat babies."”

Knows Way Should Wells Funny Next Causes Comedy Baby News Decided Vote Phrases Voting Next Day

Author:Kyle Cease

“How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."”

Thinking Littles Stories Bigs Today Funny Cities Comedy Crime Tvs News Blue Handle Hey Lame Jackpot Tv News

Author:Brian Regan

“It turns out that conservationism can be fun, with the news that the Norwegian red king crab - which weighs in at an impressive full kilo of juicy crabby goodness per shell - must be eaten as much as possible, because it's scoffing all the other fish in Norway. In fact, it would be remiss of all of us if we didn't eat as many of these buggers as we possible can every week because they now provide a genuine ecological threat to fellow marine life. So, c'mon vegetarians. Let's see how much you really care about the environment.”

“Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.”

Facts Humor Funny Literature News Radio Dues Sarcasm Sarcastic Bearable Broadcasting Jockeys Disk Radio News

Book:The Fran Lebowitz Reader

Source: The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.”

May Funny Weapons News Iraq Nuclear Experts Bombs Sarcastic Nuclear Weapons Good News Bad News Camels Nuclear Bomb Good News And Bad News

Author:David Letterman

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

World Happens Funny Media Amount Fit News Humorous Witty Newspapers Journalism Funny Inspirational Newspapers Journalism

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

Inspirational Firsts Funny Disease News Humorous Doctors Sick Sickness Good News Hilarious Funny Life Funny Jokes Have A Laugh

Author:Steve Martin

“Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.”

Today Funny News Died Australia Inventor Grenade Boomerang

Author:Johnny Carson

“Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!”

Funny Death Citizens News Senior Good News Near Death Senior Citizen

Book:When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.”

Ifs Writing Has Beens Book Real Would Be Funny Reading Literature Wish Millions Reader News Sexy Titles Buying Thrown Appetite Mail Reading Books Disturbing Tidy Libido

Author:Groucho Marx

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