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Sexy Humor Quotes

Browse 76 quotes about Sexy Humor.

Sexy Humor Quotes

“A man cannot really be called (sexually) confident if he has never bought his woman a vibrator.”

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Book:On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay
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“Some people are so sexually unattractive that the thought of masturbating turns them off.”

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Book:On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay
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“Most if not all sexually active people do not really love having sex; they merely love experiencing an orgasm every now and then.”

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Book:On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay
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“The primary goal of a righteous parent who has a daughter is to minimize the number of boys and men for whom their daughter will have willingly opened her legs come her wedding day; the closer to zero, the more righteous they will seem.”

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Book:On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay
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“Coco Chanel is said to have said that a girl should be two things: who and what she is. I say a girl should do two things: what and who she wants.”

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Book:On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay
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“Some men do not know the father of 'their' children.”

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Book:On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay
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“You know what?” he whispered, out of breath, “You’re about to be in a whole lot of trouble. We probably better go.”

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Book:Lock Creek: One Year's Time
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“Nature programmed the neurobiological processes of early love to appear as something beyond the primitive sexual cravings of the genitals. So, from an evolutionary standpoint, it all leads to copulation and reproduction, but from the perspective of the individual who has recently fallen head over heels in love with someone, it is mostly about a sensation of warmth and delight, and rarely of sexual nature.”

LoveTruthLove QuotesHuman NatureEvolutionRelationship QuotesDatingBrainy QuotesLove Quotes And SayingsSexualityTruth QuotesHuman BehaviorFlirtingEvolutionary PsychologyAdulteryDating QuotesScience QuotesSex AppealEvolutionary BiologyPrimitive Human BehaviorScience Of MindSexy HumorFemale SexualityMale Female RelationshipsSexy QuotesMale ThinkingDating 101
Book:Love, God & Neurons: Memoir of a scientist who found himself by getting lost
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“Love begins with the stage of subconscious primitive lust and attraction. I’m saying primitive because at this very early stage there is really no difference between primitive man and modern man.”

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Book:Love, God & Neurons: Memoir of a scientist who found himself by getting lost
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“Males of all species are made for wooing females, and females typically choose among their suitors. If you take a closer look, you can observe such behavior all around you. The beautiful bird chirping outside your window. It’s a mating call. That pretty little bird is trying to attract a potential mate, so that it can propagate its genes. Why does the peacock have such beautiful feathers? It is to attract a healthy female. He as well is trying to propagate his genes. Even we humans, are not much different from the rest of the animal kingdom when it comes to attracting potential mates. When women dress up for their night out at the club, they are doing so to look attractive. This is a subconscious evolutionary desire to attract as many potential mates as possible.... While women tend to grab attention with their looks, men on the other hand, tend to attract as many potential females as possible, by showing off their resources. When a man shows off with his fancy car, expensive gold watch and suit, or flexes his muscles and brags about how many credit cards he owns, he’s doing so to make himself desirable by healthy women, in order to propagate his genes. It is all in the pursuit of reproduction.”

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Book:What is Mind?
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“I am watching his every move. I can see where this is going. I am motionless like the cheese before the mouse strikes. The deer before the headlights hit. The mouth before the lips kiss. He has me up on that butcher block and splayed like a slab of meat before I know what hits me.”

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Book:Catastrophic Expectations: Sex, Love, and the Pursuit of Marriage
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“How long does it take to recover from a sex addiction? Saying that, what is a sex addiction anyway? I mean, I get a gambling or drink addiction could lead to bigger problems in life if you continue to do it, but how can sex addiction lead you anywhere but having more fun and more sex in life? Even if I was a recovering sex addict, would this actually bother me? Fuck yeah it would, because I wouldn't want to be in recovery and having less fucking sex, would I?”

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Book:Comedian Gone Wrong 2
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“I check in with my vagina, because if I got hot and heavy last night, she and I need to talk. I do a couple Kegels, but Lassie doesn't start barking like I should be worried that Timmy fell down the well again. I go full CSI. I'm not sore. There's no evidence of orgasms. I check my hips and waist, no hot-sex injuries of any kind. I touch my lips, nope, not sore from kissing too much.”

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Book:The Reclamation
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“I always thought 'love at first sight' was silly and incredibly irresponsible. Then, you came along and you flipped it on me. I understand it now. I do! ~Sheriff Derrick Decker”

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Book:Lock Creek: In Their Own Time
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“The red light district in the old section of San Juan was around Calle Del Cristo. The Army operated a Pro-Station, right in the middle of this area, and its bright blue identifying lights served as the lighthouse to guide us in. We arrived believing that we had safety in numbers, so the three of us went into one of the many rowdy sailors’ bars that had the kind of atmosphere we were looking for. Before long, we were throwing back Cuba Libres and laughing with some young ladies, who had magically appeared and were hanging onto our arms. The loud Latin beat drowned out our conversation, but there was no doubt but that the girls knew what we wanted. I was still hesitant about going through with it. I had thoughts in the back of my head of the recent warnings. I nearly chickened out, but as my brother used to say “the juices were flowing!” “This story is happily continued on page 301 in “Salty & Saucy Maine.”

Captain Hank BrackerSexy HumorProstitutesRed Light DistrictOld San Juan
Author:Captain Hank Bracker, "Salty & Saucy Maine"
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“As my cab rolled up to the front of the magnificent white colonial building with black shutters, I couldn’t help but notice the beautiful setting. The grass was perfectly cut, leaving perfectly aligned traces of the mower’s blades. The landscaping was immaculate, with freshly planted seasonal flowers artistically clustered about. It had tan and brown tiles on the walkway around the building and looked impressive, as a wide path led up to the front door. The large American flag flying from a tall flagpole, and the emblem identifying the building as a United States Consulate, left little doubt but that I had arrived at the right place. There were no guards, and when I entered the building from the bright sunshine, my eyes had difficulty focusing. I could barely make out the reception desk on the other side of the lobby. Knowingly, a beautiful olive-skinned, dark-haired girl sat there laughing. Once my eyes adjusted, her laughter turned into a delightful, fetching smile. I didn’t know what to expect when she greeted me, but I noticed that she spoke English with a French accent. Wasn’t this a little piece of the United States? Her accent threw me, but I was cool about it and pretended not to notice. “Hi,” I said. “I’m here to get some...”

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Author:Captain Hank Bracker, "Salty & Saucy Maine"
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“Tina returns from the bathroom and climbs into bed with a question in her eye. "I want to talk you about something." I get worried, but I try not to show it. "I have a number of questions that I want to ask you. I feel like you are the only person that I can ask these questions. Do you mind?" "No, I don't mind. Go ahead." "Do you think that escorts are more health-conscious than most girls? Do you think that they get tested more regularly for STDs, and that they are more careful, for example, as in using condoms?” "I definitely think that they are." "Why do you think that?" "The girls that I see all tell me that they get tested anywhere from every month to every three months. They always use condoms, that is, unless they trust the guy and they know that he gets tested regularly. All these girls know how to do a dick check and they screen their clients before meeting them. Therefore, I would say that the escorts that I have met are all much more health conscious than amateurs are." "Do you get tested regularly?" "I've told my MD that I see girls and he orders tests for me every three months, or at least twice a year at a minimum." "I would like to dispel some of the myths about escorts.”

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Author:Sacha Haughtee & Max Spacer
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“My sub doesn't pay for me,” he says, pulling me to my feet. “That just doesn't happen.” “But we ordered so much,” I say helplessly. “It made you happy,” he says simply. “Now I get to play with you. And that makes me happy.” “I don't think it's that simple an equation.” “Maybe not,” he concedes. “But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus.”

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Book:Bound to Accept
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