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Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes

Television Personality

Joan Rivers was an American comedian, actress, and television personality known for her sharp wit and controversial humor. She gained fame as a panelist on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson' and later hosted her own talk show, 'The Joan Rivers Show'. Rivers was also a successful author and fashion critic, and her career spanned over five decades.

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Famous Joan Rivers Quotes

“If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.”

People Ifs Want Believe Long Two Married Horse What You Want Scare

Author:Joan Rivers

“Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.”

People Way Want Should Believe Running Sports Loss Grief Tragedy Critical Over You Get Over Spectators Want To See You Insensitivity Rhinos

Author:Joan Rivers

“Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!”

Want Wells Girl Fun Having Fun Old Lady Just Want To Have Fun

Author:Joan Rivers

“I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.”

Want Mind Aging

Author:Joan Rivers

“All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.”

People Ifs Want Giving Persons Said Dies Easy Husband Satisfied If I Could Jennifer

Author:Joan Rivers

“Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.”

People Thinking Want States Dies Florida Motto

Author:Joan Rivers

“I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.”

Men Want Said Guy Left Wonder Wife My Family Died Dinner My Wife Lovely Teeth Cards Necks Pockets I Want You Going Out Another Man Other Guys Cemetery Old Guys American Express

Author:Joan Rivers

“Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.”

Want Parent Jokes Parenting Motherhood Host Thank God

Author:Joan Rivers

“I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.”

Want Age President Saws Pardon Chins Plastic Surgery

Author:Joan Rivers

“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”

Want Different Age Five Cry Aging Comedian Funeral Want Me Accents

Book:I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

Source: I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”

Want Life Aging Cooks Chickens Pledge Lemons Spray

Author:Joan Rivers

“A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.”

Want Years Firsts Two Study Dog Aging Rescue Menopause Owning A Dog

Author:Joan Rivers

“I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'”

Want Said Funny Names Husband My Husband Making Love Wakes You Hillarious

Author:Joan Rivers

“If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.”

Ifs Want Military Gay Ugly Uniforms

Author:Joan Rivers

“I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.”

Ifs Want Faces Hate Order Kissing Mouths I Hate Dinner Tongue Clown Yelling Mcdonalds

Author:Joan Rivers

“I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.”

Want Buried Toes Tag Gowns Valentino

Book:I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

Source: I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.”

Ifs Want Done Political Party Regret Jokes I've Learned Tunes Bows Political Correctness No Regrets Clicks Correctness Satirist

Author:Joan Rivers

“But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.”

Ifs Want Humor Night Party Fame Jokes Parks Riding Jackie Satirist Horseback Central Park Horseback Riding Jackie O

Author:Joan Rivers

“I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.”

Want Ridiculous Meaningful

Author:Joan Rivers

About the Author

Born: June 8, 1933
Died: September 4, 2014
Known for: Television Personality
Quotes: 347

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Books & Sources

Enter TalkingRelated source material

I Hate Everyone...Starting with MeRelated source material

Bouncing back: I've survived everything-- and I mean everything-- and you can too!Related source material

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Diary of a Mad DivaRelated source material

I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me DeluxeRelated source material

Murder at the Academy Awards (R): A Red Carpet Murder MysteryRelated source material

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