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Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes

Television Personality

Joan Rivers was an American comedian, actress, and television personality known for her sharp wit and controversial humor. She gained fame as a panelist on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson' and later hosted her own talk show, 'The Joan Rivers Show'. Rivers was also a successful author and fashion critic, and her career spanned over five decades.

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Famous Joan Rivers Quotes

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

Humor Funny Hate Women Months Bed Six Jokes I Hate Luck Comedian Memorable Dishes Six Months Hilarious Housework Chores Household Chores Starting All Over Again Spring Cleaning Dirty Dishes

Author:Joan Rivers

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

Body Age Dies Laughing Jokes Aging Comedian Memorable Plastic Surgery Plastic Surgery Donate Laugh Out Loud Remembering Her Tupperware

Author:Joan Rivers

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.”

Ifs Mean Care Enjoy Alive Happenings Jokes Good Things Don't Care I Don't Care Bad Things Enjoy Life Remembering Her

Author:Joan Rivers

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

Knows Looks Wish Jokes Aging Comedian Memorable Plastic Twins Surgery Plastic Surgery Laugh Out Loud Hillarious

Author:Joan Rivers

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

Ifs Men Funny Women Sleep Mistake Jokes Twenties Hilarious Funny Relationship Nineteen Tramps Questions Asked No Sleep Sleeping Around

Author:Joan Rivers

“Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.”

Want Parent Jokes Parenting Motherhood Host Thank God

Author:Joan Rivers

“I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.”

Jokes Circles Outsiders Hillarious

Author:Joan Rivers

“You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

Knows Age Middle Jokes Doctors Police Aging Slow Down Middle Ages Ice Age

Author:Joan Rivers

“We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.”

Ifs Humor Watches Laughing Fame Jokes Apology Apologizing Make You Laugh

Author:Joan Rivers

“A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.”

Children Certain Taught Jokes Hot Tables Aging Memorable Lamps Noon Stoves

Author:Joan Rivers

“I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

Knows Might Jokes Aging Nervous Comedian Memorable Alzheimer Alzheimer's Laugh Out Loud Hillarious

Author:Joan Rivers

“She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.”

Pure Jokes Knees Sarcastic Moses Hillarious

Author:Joan Rivers

“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."”

Knows Speak Jokes Picks Daughter Memorable My Daughter Hillarious

Author:Joan Rivers

“I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."”

Believe Said Parent Jokes Don't Believe Ugly

Author:Joan Rivers

“I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.”

Looks Jokes Window Shade Toms Getting Dressed Peeping

Author:Joan Rivers

“Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.”

Enough Jokes Enough Time Blink Not Enough Time

Author:Joan Rivers

“You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.”

Knows Rooms Jokes Dentist Canaries

Author:Joan Rivers

“Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.”

Thinking Knows Children Littles Age Able Hate Born Gone Honest Jokes I Hate Angry Library Unhappy Being Honest Comedian Planes Little Things Shallow Packages Furious Diapers Make Me Angry

Author:Joan Rivers

“I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.”

Done Humor Regret Fame Jokes I've Learned No Regrets

Author:Joan Rivers

“I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.”

Ifs Want Done Political Party Regret Jokes I've Learned Tunes Bows Political Correctness No Regrets Clicks Correctness Satirist

Author:Joan Rivers

“But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.”

Ifs Want Humor Night Party Fame Jokes Parks Riding Jackie Satirist Horseback Central Park Horseback Riding Jackie O

Author:Joan Rivers

“"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."”

Ifs Said Problem Humor Age Knowing Mines Fame Jokes Broke I've Learned Ems Mail I Love Him Broke Up Jagger Melissa Intonation

Author:Joan Rivers

About the Author

Born: June 8, 1933
Died: September 4, 2014
Known for: Television Personality
Quotes: 347

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