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Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Quotes

Comedian

Rita Rudner, born on September 17, 1953, is a renowned American comedian. Her career began in the 1980s, and she gained widespread recognition for her unique sense of humor and witty dialogue. Rudner is known for her performances in television, radio, and on stage, with her work often exploring themes such as women, marriage, and family.

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Famous Rita Rudner Quotes

“I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.”

Ifs Way Said Rooms Baby Involved Husband Not Sure My Husband Pizza Delivery Childbirth

Book:Tickled Pink: A Comic Novel

Source: Tickled Pink: A Comic Novel

“I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.”

Humans I Can Together Husband My Husband Covered Far Away Sandwiches Bifocals

Book:I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething

Source: I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething

“If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.”

Ifs Men Firsts Ends Humor Funny Film Doors Week Husband Cameras Video My Husband Scream Locks Bathroom Your Husband Video Cameras

Author:Rita Rudner

“Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.”

Men Book Humor Funny Watches Husband Function Combination Piano Addresses My Husband Multiple Telescopes Address Books

Author:Rita Rudner

“Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."”

Men Said Humor Funny Hate Sex Loses Husband Beats Tennis My Husband

Author:Rita Rudner

“Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.”

Men Waiting Four Wife Football Months Husband Tickets

Author:Rita Rudner

“My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

Thinking Men Looks Mean Pain Guy Parent Husband Prepared Glad Jewelry Earrings

Author:Rita Rudner

“If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.”

Ifs Needs May Helping Sleep Husband Difficulty Our Relationship Your Husband

Author:Rita Rudner

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.”

Two Death Three Husband Tough Grandmother Buried My Grandmother Naps Old Jokes Grand Mother Tough Women

Author:Rita Rudner

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

Life Children Funny Sex Comedy Our Lives Dog Husband Parenting Ruins Memorable My Husband Wedding Carpet My Dog Canine Puppy Dog Pet Dog Great Dog Cute Dog Sad Dog

Author:Rita Rudner

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”

Want Age Comedy Husband Fake Necks Sarcasm Sarcastic My Husband This Day Ironic Jewels Want Something Jewelry Fake People Paranoid Necklaces Jewellery

Author:Rita Rudner

“Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.”

Men Humor Funny Turns Security Husband Police Forgotten Code My Husband Imperfection Alarms Momentary Turn Off

Author:Rita Rudner

“My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.”

Ifs Thinking Inspirational Helping Sports Rooms Watches Cases Player Trouble Team Television Husband Phones Coaches My Husband Living Room

Author:Rita Rudner

About the Author

Born: September 17, 1953
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 192

Related Topics

Funny Men Humor Ifs Want Knows Husband Thinking Comedy People Looks My Husband Said Witty Feels Mother Children Ends Firsts Jobs

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

Naked Beneath My Clothes: Tales of a Revealing NatureRelated source material

I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a FiftysomethingRelated source material

Tickled Pink: A Comic NovelRelated source material

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