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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.”

Littles Humor Funny Girl Comedy Four Thousand Clothes Dolls Stitches Girl Love

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.”

Humor Christian Funny Belief Religious Four Wonderful Calm Admire Superstitions Assurance Religious Faith Serene Aces

Author:Mark Twain

“Humorists are not humorous twenty-four hours a day. In fact, when you get to know them well, they are often not humorous at all. They tend to be hypersensitive, taut, neurotic creatures driven by God know what obscure compulsion to earn their living the hard way.”

Knows Way Wells Hard Facts Humor Hours Four Creatures Humorous Twenties Driven Obscure God Knows Compulsion Neurotic Humorists Hard Way

Book:Color blind: a white woman looks at the Negro

Source: Color blind: a white woman looks at the Negro

“All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.”

Two Whole Humor Funny Culture Taken Four Wife China My Wife Bottles Lamps Intuitive Donkey Condiments Chianti

Author:Peter Shaffer

“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”

People Humor Funny Comedy Four

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

People Humor Funny Comedy Four Very Good Wheels Carts Cartwheels

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!”

I Can Humor Funny Lasts Numbers Pay Four Credit Cards Thanks Twelve Assistance Credit Card Guessing Receipts

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."”

Needs Feels Wells Humor Funny Form Three Pieces Four Cutting Middle Members Clubs Circles Bread Ems Chips Sandwiches Dump Triangles Toothpicks Stipulations

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.”

Made Hard Humor Funny Three Easy Four Tvs Products Shots Finals Available Complicated Stamps Payment Seals Envelopes Denominations Mailman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.”

People Ifs I Can Humor Funny Four Carts Cartwheels

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."”

Needs Real Humor Funny Numbers Four Lucky Seven Billions Gambling Dice Handy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.”

Men Humor Funny Together Sports Four Get Together

Author:Rita Rudner

“How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!”

Doe Two Humor Light Funny Four Eight Screws Bulbs Light Bulb

Author:Bill Bailey

“Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.”

Two Shows Humor Funny Hours Four Entertainment Spread Sparkling

Author:Chris Rock

“If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.”

Ifs War Humor Wanted Funny Four Pages Bored

Author:Lewis Black

“I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."”

Said Humor Funny Hours Four East Restaurants Gas Waiter Octopus

Author:Frank Carson

“A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."”

Men Said Humor Funny Four Shops Eggs Cracks Dozen Cracked

Author:Frank Carson

“Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.”

Knows World Years Looks Humor Funny Four Cups Four Years Dump World Cup Victoria Beckham

Author:Frankie Boyle

“She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.”

Humor Funny Used Four Fronts Lessons Tests Seats Drivers

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.”

Humor Funny Lasts Past Four Week Ten Horse Quarters

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.”

People Shows Humor Reality Would Be Funny Black White Four Neighborhood Hunts Reality Shows Crackers

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.”

Knows Years Said Ends Humor Funny My Own Deals Know How Four Crazy Fronts Years Ago Misery Workers Bread Four Years Pizza My Own Life Ankles Huts Co Worker

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.”

Trying Two Humor Funny Next Millions Four Week Months Miles Two Weeks Down The Road Hash

Author:Adam Carolla