Home / Topics / Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes

Browse 3047 quotes about Humorous.

Humorous Quotes

“I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.”

Want Giving Funny Young Dies Influence Giving Up Humorous Smoking Cigarette No Point Cigar Die Young

Book:As good as Golda: the warmth and wisdom of Israel's Prime Minister

Source: As good as Golda: the warmth and wisdom of Israel's Prime Minister

“There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.”

Hands Seems Funny America Humorous Gun Circles Smoking Acceptable Cigarette Cigar Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking

Author:Katharine Whitehorn

“"I have seen those symptoms before," said Holmes, throwing his cigarette into the fire. "Oscillation upon the pavement always means an affaire de coeur."”

Mean Said Fire Humorous Sarcasm Throwing Cigarette Symptoms Holmes Pavement Oscillation

Book:The Complete Sherlock Holmes

Source: The Complete Sherlock Holmes

“In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.”

Men Ends Humor Light Running Funny Remember Asks Trouble Groups Drink Humorous Tasks Wine Drinking Complexes Alcohol Beer Cigarette Liquor Filters Beer Drinking

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.”

Ifs Feels Funny Humorous Killing Smoke Smoking Cigarette Tobacco Cigar Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Cosy Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke Killing Myself

Book:The Turtle Diary

Source: The Turtle Diary

“Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.”

Ifs Said Funny Humorous Fats Smoke Smoking Zero Warning Cigarette Cigar Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Cigarette Smoke

Author:Dave Barry

“Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.”

People Ifs Needs Funny Young Used Company Products Humorous Customers Consumers Smoking Cigarette Cigar

Author:George Carlin

“A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."”

“It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.”

Ifs Would Be Funny Mankind Humorous Machines Available Smoking Cigarette Pills Prescriptions Cigar Birth Control Slot Machines Service To Mankind

Author:Malcolm Potts

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”

“Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a compulsive ritual which had no greater savour than the fumes of burning money.”

People Firsts Funny Greater Succeed Humorous Burning Smoking Ritual Cigarette Cigar Minus Savour

Book:The Complete Unreliable Memoirs

Source: The Complete Unreliable Memoirs