Best Funny Smoking Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.”

Choices Given Smoking Cigar Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking

“The dead drug leaves a ghost behind. At certain hours it haunts the house.”

Certain House Hours Behinds Drug Addiction Ghost Smoking Opium Alcohol Addiction Smoking Cigars Funny Smoking

Book:Cocteau's world: an anthology of writings

Source: Cocteau's world: an anthology of writings

“I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.”

Wells One Day Smoke Smoking Cigarette Gave Up Tobacco Oh Well Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke Giving Up Smoking

Author:Benny Hill

“Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.”

Eye Sticks Smoking Cigarette Patches Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Nicotine Funny Smoking Cigarette Smoke

Author:Bill Hicks

“Now the only thing I miss about sex is the cigarette afterward. Next to the first one in the morning, it's the best one of all. It tasted so good that even if I had been frigid I would have pretended otherwise just to be able to smoke it.”

Source: Lump It Or Leave It

“A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.”

Funny Marriage Smoke Smoking Cigarette Scorn Pipe Tobacco Cigar Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke

Author:Rudyard Kipling

“I'm glad I don't have to explain to a man from Mars why each day I set fire to dozens of little pieces of paper, and then put them in my mouth.”

Men Littles Literature Fire Pieces Paper Mouths Glad Each Day Smoking Dozen Cigarette Mars Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking

Book:Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin

Source: Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin

“Smoking is one of the leading causes of all statistics.”

Funny Causes Smoking Statistics Cigarette Tobacco Quit Smoking Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Lung Cancer Funny Smoking Leading Causes Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke No Smoking Giving Up Smoking

Author:Liza Minnelli

“Oscar Wilde: 'Do you mind if I smoke?' Sarah Bernhardt: 'I don't care if you burn.'”

Ifs Mind Care Don't Care Smoke I Don't Care Smoking Oscars Wilde Funny Smoking

Author:Sarah Bernhardt

“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”

“I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.”

Made Funny Literature Made It Smoke Smoking Tobacco Cigar Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Smoking And Drinking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking

Author:Mark Twain

“Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend!”

Drinking Alcohol Coffee Smoking Cigarette Alcoholics Drinking Alcohol Funny Alcohol Alcohol Drinking Smoking Cigarettes Funny Coffee Smoking And Drinking Funny Smoking Cigarettes And Alcohol

Author:Gerard Way

“There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.”

Hands Seems Funny America Humorous Gun Circles Smoking Acceptable Cigarette Cigar Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking

Author:Katharine Whitehorn

“You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?”

“The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.”

Reason Form Authority Suicide Smoking Cigarette Honorable Tobacco Public Health Quit Smoking Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking

Author:Kurt Vonnegut

“I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.”

Humor Age Funny Comedy Ten Smoke Smoking Fifteen Holding On Cigar Smoking Cigars Smoking And Drinking Funny Smoking

Author:George Burns

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”

“People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!”

People Wells Killing Addiction Come Up Bother Smoking Marijuana Funny Smoking Bothering You

Author:Wendy Liebman

“I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.”

“I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast”

“A cigarette is the only consumer product which when used as directed kills its consumer.”

Used Products Smoke Consumers Smoking Cigarette Quit Smoking Smoking Cigarettes Funny Smoking Stop Smoking Cigarette Smoke

Author:Gro Harlem Brundtland

“Much smoking kills live men and cures dead swine.”

Men Cures Smoking Marijuana Cigarette Tobacco Swine Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke No Smoking

Author:George D. Prentice

“To smoke or not to smoke: I can make of either a life-work.”

I Can Smoke Smoking Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke No Smoking

Book:Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin

Source: Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin

“If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

Ifs Action Fire Assuming Smoking Appropriate Cigarette Tobacco Quit Smoking Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking Stop Smoking Cigarette Smoke

Author:Douglas Adams

“There's a lot of people who, a cigarette is about the only vacation they have.”

People Smoking Vacation Cigarette Smoking Cigarettes Funny Smoking Cigarette Smoke

Author:Trey Parker

“He who doth not smoke hath either known no great griefs, or refuseth himself the softest consolation, next to that which comes from heaven.”

Next Heaven Grief Known Smoke Smoking Cigarette Consolation Pipe Tobacco Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke No Smoking

Author:Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton

“Ods me I marle what pleasure or felicity they have in taking their roguish tobacco. It is good for nothing but to choke a man, and fill him full of smoke and embers.”

Men Pleasure Smoke Smoking Cigarette Tobacco Choke Felicity Embers Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke

Author:Ben Jonson

“I used to smoke two packs a day and I just hate being a nonsmoker.... but I will never consider myself a nonsmoker because I always find smokers the most interesting people at the table.”

“aven, I have given up smoking again!... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.”

Men Feels Different Given Fine Fit Smoking Rude Lungs Given Up Moody Smoking Cigars Homicidal Funny Smoking

Author:A. P. Herbert

“If an addict who has been completely cured starts smoking again he no longer experiences the discomfort of his first addiction. There exists, therefore, outside alkaloids and habit, a sense for opium, an intangible habit which lives on, despite the recasting of the organism. The dead drug leaves a ghost behind. At certain hours it haunts the house.”

Source: Cocteau's world: an anthology of writings

“If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.”

Ifs Funny Heaven Humorous Smoke Smoking Cigar Smoking Cigars Funny Smoking

Author:Mark Twain

“A custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the lungs, and in the black, stinking fume thereof nearest resembling the horrible Stygian smoke of the pit that is bottomless.”

“I want all hellions to quit puffing that hell fume in God's clean air.”

Want Women Hell Air Clean Quitting Memorable Smoking Clean Air Funny Smoking

Author:Carrie Nation

“I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn't want to smoke, but I didn't believe myself”

Want Believe Smoke Smoking Cigarette Tobacco Smoking Cigarettes Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking Stop Smoking Cigarette Smoke

Author:Barbara Kelly

“A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."”

“I DON'T smoke anymore, except on National No Smoking Day as a protest against those who want to control our lives.”

Want Our Lives Smoke Smoking Protest Funny Smoking No Smoking

Author:Richard Littlejohn

“If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.”

Ifs Taken Advice Doctors Quitting Smoking Funeral Cigar Quit Smoking Smokers Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking

Author:George Burns

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”

“Good food, good sex, good digestion, good sleep: to these basic animal pleasures, man has added nothing but the good cigarette.”

Source: Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin

“For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.”

Firsts Sex Dangerous First Time Smoke Smoking Cigarette Tobacco Smokers Funny Sex Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke

Author:Jay Leno

“More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking.”

Time Smoke Smoking Tobacco Cigar Smoking Cigars Tobacco Smoking Smoking And Drinking Funny Smoking

Book:The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations

Source: The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations

Funny Smoking Quotes

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Funny Smoking Quotes