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Humorous Quotes

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Humorous Quotes

“British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.”

Ifs Believe Mean Hands Bigs Fall Lost Sleep White Ten Humorous Israel British Teeth Fairy Britain Yellow Tribes Pillow Measurement Pyramids Anglo Saxon

Author:Mike Harding

“If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.”

Ifs Way Giving Looks May Night Fun Amount Bed Ten Humorous Mark Damn Parks Get Back

Book:Dorothy Parker

Source: Dorothy Parker

“The great commander, who seemed by expression of his visage to be always on the look-out for something in the extremest distance, and to have no ocular knowledge of anything within ten miles, made no reply whatever.”

Looks Made Funny Expression Ten Humorous Distance Miles Commanders

Book:Dombey and Son

Source: Dombey and Son

“Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.”

Facts Humor Funny Freedom Democracy Ten Laughter Humorous Pleasant Commandments Ten Commandments Government Programs

Author:H. L. Mencken

“The cynics are right nine times out of ten.”

Humor Funny Time Powerful Ten Humorous Witty Nine Cynicism Altruism Cynic

Author:H. L. Mencken

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?”

“Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.”

Men Home Waiting Doors Ten Humorous Tired Witty Sarcastic I'm Tired

Author:Mae West

“A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.”

Men Persons Boys Ten Humorous Witty Deranged Polio

Author:Woody Allen

“One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.”

Giving Mind Firsts Two Hands Hours Half Teach Mines Ten Humorous Give Me Clock Extras Wheels Ems Drivers Half Hours Steering

Book:Napalm & Silly Putty

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!”

Knows Years War Country Practice Ten Majors Humorous Twenties Average

Book:Napalm & Silly Putty

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.”

Ifs Firsts Funny Ten Humorous Paid Dollars Smoke Smoking Making Love Cigar Smokers Smoking Cigars Tobacco Smoking

Author:George Burns

“Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.”

Source: The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig