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Humorous Quotes

Browse 3047 quotes about Humorous.

Humorous Quotes

“A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.”

Art Today Language Humorous Available Programming Assembly Programming Languages Pascal

Author:Raymond Simard

“Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says "7x9=63," because it will remind him of mother.”

Children Littles Humor Kids Today Funny Faces Mother Parent Views Modern Baby Humorous Adults Excellence Starting Cards Trends Exposed Womb Eighty Wallets

Author:Dave Barry

“A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.”

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Writing Book War Humor Would Be Today Funny President Alive Humour Humorous Historical Memoir Civil War Abraham Coffins History Books

Author:David Letterman

“If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.”

People Ifs Today Asks Jesus Fun Christ Atheism Humorous Jesus Christ Atheist Dinner

Author:Thomas Carlyle

“What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.”

Today Funny Fine Drink Humorous Weather Tea Sarcastic Fine Weather

Author:Anton Chekhov

“The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.”

Long Today Causes Amount Periods Humorous Cancer Stomach Surgeons Long Periods Of Time Small Amounts Saliva

Book:Napalm & Silly Putty

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys.”

Want Mind Children Humor Kids Today Funny Moving Baby Computer Humorous Our Children My Children Your Children Toys Chips

Book:Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism

Source: Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism

“Today's parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.”

Today Funny Parent Music Heard Grew Grew Up Humorous Notion Silly Meant To Be Were Meant To Be

Book:Fatherhood

Source: Fatherhood

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'”

Knows Littles Said Humor Today Funny Motivation Left Fine Humorous Notes Driving Parking Driving On Driving Fast

Author:Tommy Cooper

“My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?”

Heart Today Funny My Heart Humorous Negotiation Bargains Bargaining

Book:I Never Met a Kid I Liked

Source: I Never Met a Kid I Liked

“A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.”

Years Problem Humor Today Funny New York Food Humorous Hundred Years Ago California Equipment Airline Hares Air Travel

Book:Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Source: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

“If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog?”

People Ifs Humor Today Funny Land Food Computer Humorous Crosses Instruments Flying Covered Bottles Airplane Fog Sandwiches Airline Liquor Radar Runway Air Travel Bologna

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits