Best humorous & would-be Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.”

Thinking Knows Years Would Be Next Morning Kings Periods Humorous Years Ago Unhappy Afternoon Monday Friday Gloomy Tuesday Wednesday So Sad Friday Afternoon Tuesday Morning

Author:Walt Kelly

“College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.”

Ifs Would Be Humanity Games Loss Interesting Students Football College Broken Arms Humorous Increase Legs Necks Faculty College Football Trustees

Author:H. L. Mencken

“Well, I would - if they realized that we - again if - if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.”

Ifs Firsts Wells Would Be Humorous Strikes Destructive Seconds Stalemate

Author:Ronald Reagan

“Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.”

People Ifs Littles Dream Would Be Humorous Practicals More Time

Author:J. P. McEvoy

“There's a lot of different ways that a song would be a challenge to parody. There are a lot of songs that would ostensibly be a good candidate for parody, yet I can't think of a clever enough idea. Some songs are too repetitive for me to be able to fashion a humorous set of lyrics around. Some songs flat-out just don't work creatively for me.”

Thinking Way I Can Ideas Different Enough Would Be Able Song Challenges Fashion Humorous Clever Different Ways Candidates Flats Parody Repetitive

Author:Al Yankovic

“"Well," said my aunt, "this is his boy - his son. He would be as like his father as it's possible to be, if he was not so like his mother, too."”

Ifs Wells Said Would Be Funny Mother Father Boys Son Humorous Aunt Well Said

Book:The Works of Charles Dickens

Source: The Works of Charles Dickens

“Then, at the end of every hand, Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had not returned that diamond, or led the club, or roughed the spade, or finessed the heart, or led through the honour, or brought out the ace, or played up to the king, or some such thing; and in reply to all these grave charges, Mr. Pickwick would be wholly unable to plead any justification whatever, having by this time forgotten all about the game.”

Heart Ends Hands Would Be Funny Games Missing Kings Humorous Forgotten Clubs Graves Honour Diamond Justification Sigh Countenance Spades Aces

Book:The posthumous papers of the Pickwick Club

Source: The posthumous papers of the Pickwick Club

“I'm very physical. I'm extremely active, and I would love to do something a little more sexy and dangerous, a la Sophia Loren, or funny and humorous, a la Woody Allen. Getting to do things along those lines would be extremely wicked and a dream come true.”

Littles Dream Would Be Lines Dangerous Humorous Sexy Active Wicked Dreams Come True Woody Sophia

Author:Azita Ghanizada

“If I traveled to the end of the rainbow as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pot's at the other end.”

Ifs Ends Would Be America Humorous Fortune Pot Rainbow Traveled Murphy Dames

Author:Ed Koch

“I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.”

“I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.”

Ifs Knows Should Done Facts Would Be Three Waiting Hours Perfect Alive Minutes New York Six Humorous Witty Paris Towers Things Done Eiffel Tower Eiffel Concorde

Book:Woody Allen: Interviews

Source: Woody Allen: Interviews

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Writing Book War Humor Would Be Today Funny President Alive Humour Humorous Historical Memoir Civil War Abraham Coffins History Books

Author:David Letterman

“I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.”

Said Would Be Easy Humorous Witty Sarcastic Worth It

Author:Mae West

“I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.”

Thinking Life Believe Whole Would Be Heaven Hell Atheism Humorous Profound Don't Believe Atheist Whole Life Insane Bored Torture Boredom Afterlife Heaven And Hell Heaven Or Hell Heaven Hell

Author:Isaac Asimov

“I think it would be a good idea.”

Thinking Ideas Would Be Powerful Society Humorous Witty Good Ideas

Author:Mahatma Gandhi

“Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.”

Thinking Children Play Humor Bigs Would Be Kids Funny Next Born Simple Deals Attitude Nice Baby Humorous Next Time Closets Big Deal My Attitude

Book:I'm Not Really Here

Source: I'm Not Really Here

“It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.”

Ifs Would Be Funny Mankind Humorous Machines Available Smoking Cigarette Pills Prescriptions Cigar Birth Control Slot Machines Service To Mankind

Author:Malcolm Potts

“I think it would be totally inappropriate for me to even contemplate what I am thinking about.”

Thinking Would Be Humorous Profound Insane Contemplating Inappropriate

Author:Don Mazankowski

“I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.”

Ifs Knows Men Giving Firsts Humor Would Be Funny Pieces Food Humorous Traveler Airports Airline Suitcases Luggage Dummy Air Travel

Author:Erma Bombeck

“From the air, Vatican City looked like a marble Monopoly set. The Church owned all the property from Broadwalk to Illinois Avenue, has three hotels on every lot, and no matter how often it tossed the dice you just knew it would never land on Go to Jail, it would be forever passing Go and collecting $200.”

Matter Humor Would Be Funny Three Church Cities Forever Air Land Humorous Property Passing Passings Hotel Jail Monopoly Avenues Collecting Marble Dice Illinois

Book:Another Roadside Attraction

Source: Another Roadside Attraction

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Humorous Quotes