“There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.” PeopleIfsTwoHumorFunnyWeekPaidBreadMinimumWagesMinimum WageSpam Author:Chris Rock
“Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.” TwoFunnyHappinessWatchesWeekFindingsSittingNeighborVacationSlidesTwo WeeksColonySitting DownNudists Author:Johnny Carson
“If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.” IfsMenFirstsEndsHumorFunnyFilmDoorsWeekHusbandCamerasVideoMy HusbandScreamLocksBathroomYour HusbandVideo Cameras Author:Rita Rudner
“I'm just going to be honest with you. It's hard to go out there and fight for 60 minutes when you're fighting throughout the week to make it through one practice. I'm not the only one. I'm just the only one that's man enough to stand up here and talk to y'all. It's obviously, in my opinion, an issue in our starts.” MenHardEnoughFunnyFightingOpinionPracticeIssuesWeekMinutesHonestBeing HonestNfl Author:Cary Williams
“Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.” TwoHumorFunnyLastsGuyWeekWalkingCemeteryShovelsTwo Guys Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'” HumorFunnySawsWeekStreetsCoupleUglyPregnant Author:Demetri Martin
“Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.” EnoughHumorFunnyRoomsWeekMissingLifetimeDrankCokeMissing SomethingPepsi Author:Lewis Black
“If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.” IfsShouldEndsHumorFunnyWaterWeekDrinkGardenScientistAssBottles Author:Lewis Black
“Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"” SaidTwoHumorFunnyLastsWeekDoctorsJulyTwo WeeksAugust Author:Frank Carson
“The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.” HumorFunnyCoursesStuffAnimalWeekTvsFineCoupleWineHearingComicReliefAwardsWarfareOlympicsMonkeysDocumentariesScottishLodgesComic ReliefDundee Author:Frankie Boyle
“I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.” KnowsHumorFunnyLastsGuyCuttingWifeWeekMonthsCoupleMy WifeNo Respect Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'” ShouldLooksSaidTwoHumorFunnyLastsNightWeekColdChineseMealsRestaurantsChickensLast NightTwo WeeksWaiter Author:Tommy Cooper
“I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.” HumorFunnyLastsPastFourWeekTenHorseQuarters Author:Tommy Cooper
“This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.” YearsHumorFunnyCoursesLinesBehindsWeekDollarsPoundsGenesPenniesCollectors Author:Tina Fey
“I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.” TryingTwoHumorFunnyNextMillionsFourWeekMonthsMilesTwo WeeksDown The RoadHash Author:Adam Carolla
“I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.” I CanHumorFunnyTurnsPayWeekAccountsTradeFees Author:Mike Birbiglia
“Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.” IfsKnowsHumorFunnyNextBoysPlansWeekRocksYeahIndianIslandsRock N RollLiving OnTuesdayRehabThursdayAccording To Plan Author:Noel Fielding
“Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week.” IfsFirstsTwoFunnyGamesComedyWeekBeatsFirst TimeNflPatriotCardinalsTexan Author:Norman Chad
“She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.” IfsKnowsBelieveMayLongFunnySoundSupportComedyWeekLong TimeSevenMy SisterClosetsHeartbreakingPussyNieceMy Niece Author:Sarah Silverman
“In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?” MenCountryEnoughProblemHumorFunnyLastsAttentionWonderWeekCoupleAdvertisingBreastsAdsBras Author:Hugh Grant
“I received $100 per week when I started working at the Globe after graduation.” InspirationalFunnyWeekGraduatesGlobesGraduation Author:Will McDonough
“I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...” IfsHumorFunnyMovingNextWeekBoxesMarsNext Week Author:Steven Wright
“Dolphins : Animals that are so intelligent that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them food three times a day.” MenFunnyThreeAnimalWeekIntelligentTrainEdgesPoolThree TimesDolphinsCaptivity Author:Hal Roach
“It turns out that conservationism can be fun, with the news that the Norwegian red king crab - which weighs in at an impressive full kilo of juicy crabby goodness per shell - must be eaten as much as possible, because it's scoffing all the other fish in Norway. In fact, it would be remiss of all of us if we didn't eat as many of these buggers as we possible can every week because they now provide a genuine ecological threat to fellow marine life. So, c'mon vegetarians. Let's see how much you really care about the environment.” IfsFactsWould BeCareFunnyTurnsFunAnimalEnvironmentWeekKingsGoodnessNewsRedFellowsThreatFishesGenuineVegetarianShellsMarineImpressiveEcologicalCrabsJuicyNorwayMarine LifeNorwegiansScoffing Author:Ian O'Doherty