“There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.” IfsMeanLongDoeTwoCountryHomeRunningKidsSoundBlackChallengesWhiteWifeViolenceThirdsExcusePopsWhat IfComing HomeBlack And WhiteDomestic ViolenceNo ExcusesKindergartenLong DayExcuse You Author:Daniel Tosh
“There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.” MenWorldTwoLeftThis WorldTypeLiam Author:Daniel Tosh
“No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.” StillsTwoMatterSidesFlatsTwo SidesPancakes Author:Daniel Tosh
“Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.” IfsKnowsMenShouldLittlesPersonsArtTwoHappensTogetherSexBitsLevelsImagineShareLittle BitHollywoodGreekPrimeMaking LoveMonkeysHonoredPreferenceCastingJunkMake It HappenBradHomophobicBeckhamRestroomGreek God Author:Daniel Tosh
“I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.” PeopleMadeTwoMatterWholeNightSoundLevelsCitiesFourWeekTelevisionMonthsInternetAwfulMiserableWeekendEvery NightTouring Author:Daniel Tosh
“I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.” MeanTwoHoursLinesTwo DaysTrailersToronto Author:Daniel Tosh
“Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.” MenTwoFallGroupsHusbandBachelors Author:Daniel Tosh
“Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.” WellsLooksTwoHumorFunnyGirlGamesBoysMorningTakenHeardBedJokesBirdDiedBreakfastWeekendPillsMorning AfterTwo BirdsBreakfast In Bed Author:Daniel Tosh
