“I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.” IfsThinkingWantShouldUseCareRunningHateDiesGamesSportsFansTvsHigherLetting GoDeserveAthleteDefinitionsFavorsVideoFasterDoing YouSteroidGreatest AthleteCould Care LessHate LifeHigh DefinitionPro Athlete Author:Daniel Tosh
“I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.” PeopleWantEndsWholeHumorFunnyThreeTalkingAudienceDown AndKicksNecksFuneralTalking About MeLegit Author:Daniel Tosh
“Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.” IfsKnowsWantKnow HowHairBallsFlatsCurly HairStraight Hair Author:Daniel Tosh
“I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'” PeopleThinkingWantLittlesSportsBlackHolyBlack PeopleCowsBobAnnouncers Author:Daniel Tosh
“One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.” WantI CanEnoughWalksRoomsRichOne DayReleaseDozenGet RichDove Author:Daniel Tosh
“I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.” PeopleWantNumbersBallsFinance Author:Daniel Tosh
“I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.” WantLooksFacesCuttingPersonalityStaples Author:Daniel Tosh
“I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.” WantLooksShowsHumorFunnyFacesCuttingPersonalityAppearanceExtremesPlasticSurgeryPlastic SurgeryStaplesOuter Appearance Author:Daniel Tosh
“I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.” WantAbleFunnyFansMaterialsHugeJokesExcited Author:Daniel Tosh
“I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.” PeopleWantIdeasFunnyWatchesJokesVersionsNo IdeaComprehensionPuppetsWeirdo Author:Daniel Tosh
