“Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?”
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Famous Milton Berle Quotes
“Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.”
“It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!”
“For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.”
“Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.”
“He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.”
“I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!”
“I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!”
“Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.”
“It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.”
“Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.”
“At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.”
“Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?”
“I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.”
“All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.”
“On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.”
“She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.”
“The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.”
“Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.”
“Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.”
“Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.”
“At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.”
“I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.”
“I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.”
“I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.”
“I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.”
“I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.”