“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”
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Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes
“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”
“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.”
“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
“I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.”
“It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”
“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”
“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.”
“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”
“Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!”
“I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"”
“I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.”
“I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.”
“I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.”
“If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.”
“I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.”
“I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.”
“I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.”