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Funny And Random Quotes

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Funny And Random Quotes

“I wish kids at school would quit calling me a porno dork-face, though. There wasn't any sex involved! I got knocked out, I panicked and called the cops. Okay, somewhere along the line everybody's clothes fell off, but that's not exactly a federal crime. Is it? I hope you don't work for the FBI. (You don't, do you?) - Email Excerpt (Page: 21) From: Douglas Bracken To: Dr. Rita I. Milton Sent: Friday, November 08 - 5:05 PM Subject: Pressing Concerns”

HumorStrangeNudityFunny And RandomTeenage BoysRunning Through The WoodsBizarre Actions
Author:Kathleen Jeffrie Johnson
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“First time fucking driving and I fucking crash,” I muttered. "Good thing is, it’s a minor dent,” piped the helpful back seat, “Mum probably won’t even notice it, her eyes as they are and all.” “Thanks man. Makes me feel good about myself, taking advantage of your blind mom.”

FunnyDrivingFunny QuotesFunny HumorCarsFunny And RandomThe Community
Book:The Community: A Funny and Disturbing Conspiracy Mystery Novel
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“I was so caught up in my thoughts I did not notice the wire till I got caught up in it. Right. Of course. Tomato patch. Those poor fruits. Or vegetables. Those poor fruitables. Those poor veguits. I have too much time on my hands.”

FunnyFruitVegetablesFunny QuotesFunny And RandomFruits And VegetablesThe CommunityFruit QuotesTomato
Book:The Community: A Funny and Disturbing Conspiracy Mystery Novel
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“Men looove pussy. They can never get enough of it. If you send a guy a pussy pic, he's gonna think you're awesome. And he assumes you feel the same way if he sends you an unsolicited dick pic. He loves jerking off while looking at pussy, and in his mind he's certain that you must love dick pics as much as he loves pussy pics. It is such a given to him, it never even occurred to him that it might not be true. If you have a dog, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes a dog brings you his favorite toy in the whole world. And he puts it in your lap. Not because he wants you to throw it. This is not for him. This is for you. He wants you to have it. When you look at his toy, all you see is a dirty old sock, covered in crusty dried dog spit. But that's not what he sees. To him that sock is the most awesome thing in the whole world. And he is putting The Most Awesome Thing In The Whole World in your lap. Then he sits down in front of you and stares into your eyes as if to say: "This is my gift to you. May it give you the same endless hours of joy and happiness that it has given me." And that's exactly what men think when they send you a dick pic.”

Funny QuotesDogsFunny But TrueFunny And RandomDog QuotesPenis HumorPenis JokesDick JokesDick PicsCreepy Dude
Book:Why Creeps Don't Know They're Creeps - What Game of Thrones can teach us about relationships and Hollywood scandals
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“Sorano returned a half-hearted nod and mumbled on, dreamily. She seemed completely fascinated by a man in a rabbit costume who kept falling flat on his face whilst endlessly repeating the phrase “How dare they speak the word “motherboard” when the Neon God has no mother?” in a very affronted tone. He was accompanied by swarthy-faced dame, who aimlessly dragged a red piece of string after her. ‘Why are you dragging that string, hey?’ the rabbit-man asked the woman right before taking a spectacular nosedive, face-first into asphalt. ‘But I must drag it, I must!’ the woman replied panicky, ‘for if I try to push it, it bends.”

Funny And RandomHilarious QuotesFunny QuotationsFunny As HellNeon Science FictionHilarious Situations
Book:5 Stars
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“They traversed the lounge, side-stepping the occasional onanist and paying no heed to the slack-jawed, giggling addicts. A few feet away, a young woman had put her tattooed posterior on display. Aurora noticed her tattoos were dynamic, changing like a slideshow each time her bottom was slapped.”

Humorous QuotesFunny And RandomHilarious QuotesLouise Blackwick QuotesFunny As HellNeon Science FictionHilarious SituationsComedy GoldTattoos QuotesHumorous Science Fiction
Book:5 Stars
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“Speaking of body decorations, I luuhhhvv your belly piercing!” Heeb said, looking at the gold ring in the center of her slim, tan waist. Despite the artic cold, Angelina had opted for a skin tight, black tube top that ended just above her belly, on the assumption that a warm cab, a winter coat, and a short wait to get into the club was an adequate frosty weather strategy. Heeb was still reverently staring at her belly when Angelina finally caught her breath from laughing. “Do you really like it? You’re just saying that so that you can check out my belly!” “And what’s so bad about that? I mean, didn’t you get that belly piercing so that people would check out your belly?” “No. I just thought it would look cool…Do you have any piercings?” “Actually, I do,” Heeb replied. “Where?” “My appendix.” “Huh?” “I wanted to be the first guy with a pierced organ. And the appendix is a totally useless organ anyway, so I figured why the hell not?” “That’s pretty original,” she replied, amused. “Oh yeah. I’ve outdone every piercing fanatic out there. The only problem is when I have to go through metal detectors at the airport.” Angelina burst into laughs again, and then managed to say, “Don’t you have to take it out occasionally for a cleaning?” “Nah. I figure I’ll just get it removed when my appendix bursts. It’ll be a two for one operation, if you know what I mean.”

HumorContemporary RomanceNew York CityFlirtingHilariousRomantic ComedyFunny And RandomRelationship ProblemsChicklitZack LoveGeek HeroMeeting Women
Book:Sex in the Title: A Comedy about Dating, Sex, and Romance in NYC
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