“In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."” PeopleIfsKnowsSaidHumorFunnyHateParisInterviewsLove HateGonorrhea Author:Tina Fey
“It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'” IfsSaidHomeHumorFunnyGamesWinningNew YorkWorth ItMagicianNot Worth ItKnicks Author:Tina Fey
“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.” KnowsYearsSaidEndsHumorFunnyMy OwnDealsKnow HowFourCrazyFrontsYears AgoMiseryWorkersBreadFour YearsPizzaMy Own LifeAnklesHutsCo Worker Author:Zach Galifianakis
“I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.” SaidSometimesHumorKidsFunnyDadRaisesMovedDollarsMy DadSpokesMy Sister Author:Adam Carolla
“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'” IfsThinkingWantSaidHumorFunnyLastsMonthsCoupleMadGirlfriendFancyMy GirlfriendLingerie Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.” SaidI CanHumorKidsFunnyOpinionDoctorsHospitals Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.” IfsKnowsMenHas BeensSaidHumorFunnyGuyNextJesusLeftPlayerDogLogicBaseballBallsHotCatholicArguingBeerSatCommunionThis GuyBabeMessiahDid You KnowRuthHot DogBaseball LoveBall Players Author:Bill Engvall
“I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.” WantWellsSaidHumorFunnyBedWindowBreakfastBellsBed And Breakfasts Author:Chic Murray
“I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."” SaidHumorFunnyCasesLegsDucksLambsButchersScotch Author:Chic Murray
“So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."” MenTryingSaidMatterHumorFunnyLyingFallBreakBarsPocketsGuttersToffee Author:Chic Murray
“When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'” IfsSaidStillsHumorFunnyLateDoctors Author:George Burns
“When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'” SaidHumorFunnyMomMy MomCheeseMiceCartoonChuckRefrigeratorsTrampolinesChuck E Cheese Author:George Lopez
“The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'” FirstsSaidHumorFunnyTvsFirst TimeGood ThingsUglyFlightYoutubeClip Author:Kristen Schaal
“I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"” PersonsSaidI CanHumorFunnyBlackCan DoWhiteRaceMy FavoriteInsultChickensPlusSoupAsianBeansCrackersSlurs Author:Mike Birbiglia
“I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."” ShouldSaidHumorFunnyParentRealizingTechnologyDadMetsComputerMy DadProgrammersComputer Programmers Author:Mike Birbiglia
“I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?'” ThinkingSaidIdeasWholeHomeHumorFunnyUsedMotherGuyTalkingMy FamilyPlanningAccentsIllinois Author:Natasha Leggero
“In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere.” IfsSaidHumorFunnyFacesYoungGrowthDarkKnownGlassesHeavySpiteHotelItalianDisguiseJacketsFishermanDark Glasses Author:Laurence Olivier
“The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations.” SaidHumorFunnyBelieverOscarsDisneylandHallucinationsNon Believer Book:I KID YOU NOT Source: I KID YOU NOT
“The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything.” LongSaidHumorDrugLong TimeAlcoholWeedMarijuanaSixtyTestedTestingAlcoholicsLong Time AgoFunny MarijuanaFunny WeedFunny DrugDrug Testing Author:Bill Lee
“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'” SaidHomeHumorLightFunnyHouseEnergyJusticeCuttingYesterdayChecksGermanyAnd Off Author:Steven Wright
“I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.” IfsKnowsWantDoeSaidBookHumorLightHappensFunnyJobsGuyTurnsReadingAsksLet MeSpeedThings HappenInterviewsTurn-onSpaceshipsSpeed Of LightJob InterviewHeadlights Author:Steven Wright