Best humor & said Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 2

“My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."”

Said Humor Funny Wife Window Mirrors My Wife Sheep Butchers

“There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.”

Said Two Humor Funny Eating Sandwiches Pubs Landlord Irishmen

Author:Frank Carson

“Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.”

Said Humor Funny Found Drink Tea Pockets Bags Frank Airports Luggage Tea Bag

Author:Frank Carson

“I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."”

Should Said Humor Able Funny Too Much Swimming Soup Waitress

Author:Frank Carson

“There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."”

Knows Men Said Humor Funny Rooms Sitting Ridiculous Ice Dining Dining Rooms

Author:Frank Carson

“I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."”

Said Humor Funny Hours Four East Restaurants Gas Waiter Octopus

Author:Frank Carson

“I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."”

Made Said Humor Funny Shoes Corners They Said Around The Corner Taiwan

Author:Frank Carson

“I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."”

Want Said Two Humor Funny Waiting Hours Heard Air Late Flying Noise Engines Pilots Spain Hostesses

Author:Frank Carson

“An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."”

Said Humor Funny Party Bags Pairs Invited Englishmen Carols Hollies Irishmen Christmas Party Knickers Tinsel Scotsmen

Author:Frank Carson

“I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."”

Said Humor Funny Faces Memories Mirrors Bathroom Good Memories

Author:Frank Carson

“I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"”

Ifs Way Said Helping Humor Funny Shops Help Me Owners

Author:Frank Carson

“It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."”

Want Said Humor Funny Wife Divorce My Wife Spending Planning Ruth

Author:Frank Carson

“A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."”

Men Said Humor Funny Four Shops Eggs Cracks Dozen Cracked

Author:Frank Carson

“Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"”

Said Two Humor Funny Lasts Week Doctors July Two Weeks August

Author:Frank Carson

“A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.”

Men May Said Humor Funny Found Reports Covered Sauce Strawberries Flakes Sprinkles Found Dead

Author:Frank Carson

“A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."”

Giving Wells Said Humor Funny Wonderful Drink Benefits Coffee Cups Coffee Cup

Author:Emo Philips

“The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.”

Ifs Said Two Humor Eye Funny Courses Lines Picks Phones Damn Bless Psychics God Bless Two Days God Bless You

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!”

Knows Said Humor Action Funny House Hey Drivers Take Me Cab No Respect Business Trips

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!”

Said Humor Wanted Funny Joy Father Born Boys

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!”

Said Home Humor Funny House Crazy Son Islands My Son Coney Island

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."”

Want Said Humor Kids Funny Parent Five Thousand Dollars Notes They Said No Respect Kidnapped

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."”

Said Humor Funny Guy Wife Car My Wife Stores Plates License Headings License Plate

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."”

Said Humor Funny Hate Girl Morning Cry I Hate Making Love Hate You This Girl Hate Myself I Hate Myself

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."”

Knows Feels Looks Said Humor Funny Perfect Morning Doctors Mirrors Yeah Get Up Throwing Every Morning Eyesight Vomiting Throwing Up Ugly Face

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.”

Said Enough Humor Wanted Funny Sex Gay Proof Bars They Said

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".”

Ifs Said Enough Humor Funny Sex Enjoy Wife My Wife Drag Cigarette

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.”

Said Humor Funny Wife Fool My Wife

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".”

Knows Made Said Humor Funny Made It Policemen Subway

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?”

Mind Wells Said Humor Funny Saws Murder Train Paris Drivers Dean

Author:Tim Vine

“So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'”

Firsts Said Humor Funny Games Mates Closest Bulls Darts

Author:Tim Vine

“So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”

Want Said Humor Funny Certain Amount Glory Locals Ice Shops Cream Ice Cream Trousers

Author:Tim Vine

“When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.”

Writing Said Home Humor Funny Left Forget Skills Mum Unlikely

Author:Tim Vine

“So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".”

Want Said Humor Funny Locals Complaints Lumps Onions Supermarkets Vinegar

Book:The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

Source: The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'”

Said Ends Humor Today Funny Cheese Armageddon

Author:Tim Vine

“So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."”

Men Said Humor Funny Watches He Man Shops Vines Analogue

Author:Tim Vine

“I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"”

Said Humor Funny Sells Shops Blokes Kettles

Author:Tim Vine

“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."”

Want Said Humor Care Funny Guy Stars Don't Care I Don't Care Shops Pet Vines Aquariums Goldfish

Author:Tim Vine

“I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."”

Said Humor Funny Doctors Frightened Vines Cholera

Author:Tim Vine

“My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."”

Ifs Thinking Said Humor Funny Paid Mates

Author:Tim Vine

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."”

Want Said Humor Funny Pieces Paper I Want You Pencils Policemen Vines

Author:Tim Vine

“So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."”

Giving Wells Said Humor Funny Theatre Mum Auditions

Author:Tim Vine

“So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."”

Said Helping Problem Dream Humor Funny Beautiful Night Girl Break Arms Doctors Yesterday Pushing Rushing Beautiful Girl

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.”

Knows Men Long Said Humor Funny Havens He Man Long Time Doctors Ill

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.”

Want Wells Said Humor Funny Doors Bed Window Stuck Breakfast

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'”

Men Said Humor Funny Guy Next Arms Drink Sitting Bars Hey Sleeves Hey You

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'”

Should Looks Said Two Humor Funny Lasts Night Week Cold Chinese Meals Restaurants Chickens Last Night Two Weeks Waiter

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".”

Want Said Humor Funny Train Paris Drivers Dean

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".”

Said Humor Eye Funny Red Rose Chinese Restaurants Ducks Diamond Sparkle Waiter Red Rose

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"”

Men Said Two Humor Funny Saws Men And Women Items Tesco

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'”

Said Humor Funny Okay Sorry Pounds Butchers Sausage

Author:Tommy Cooper

Humor Quotes

Related topics

Humor Quotes