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Humorous Quotes

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Humorous Quotes

“The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States.”

Source: How to scrape skies: the United States explored, rediscovered and explained

“America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking and pretty soon you get ideas, and then you get idealism, and the next thing you know you've got ideology, with millions dead in concentration camps and gulags.”

Thinking Knows Way Ideas Funny America Next Nations Millions Humorous Ideology Concentration Camps Thank God Idealism Concentration Camp Sneaky Gulags

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.”

Thinking Country Funny America Loss Plans Lows Humorous Weight Fats Milk Cows Weight Loss

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader

“Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators spend half their time burning Old Glory and the other half waiting for green cards.”

Two Funny America Waiting Lines Half Glory Humorous Green Cards Burning Permanent Features Giants Demonstration Other Half Visa Embassy Anti-american Green Card Old Glory

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as sharp as their looks. Except for the fact that they all speak English pretty well, they're indistinguishable from Americans.”

Wells Looks Facts Hands Funny America Speak Hair Clothes Humorous Clean West Teeth Tall Speak English

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.”

Way War Whole School Funny America Minutes Civilization Humorous High School Ancient Instance Bombs Chemistry Sophisticated Saddam Hussein Algebra Kebabs

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“The American success formula is first to get a home of your own, then to get a car of your own so you don't have to stay in that home of your own.”

Firsts Home Funny America Car Humorous Formulas American Success

Author:Sam Levenson

“America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are complete lunatics, and every single one of us is secretly in show business. Isn't that fabulous?”

People Shows Funny America Nations Millions Humorous Fabulous Show Business Gangsters

Book:Wild Ducks Flying Backward

Source: Wild Ducks Flying Backward

“The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."”

Knows Said Humor Funny America Party Republican Humorous Democrat

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government