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Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes

Comedian

Demetri Martin is an American comedian, writer, and actor known for his unique and witty humor style. He is recognized for his sharp wit and satirical commentary, often performing in television shows, movies, and stage performances. Born on May 25, 1973, Martin's career began in New York comedy clubs.

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All Ifs Funny Humor Thinking People Comedy Knows Want Way Looks Trying Said Sometimes Men I'm Sorry Guy Shows Feels Would Be I Can

Famous Demetri Martin Quotes

“I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.”

Ifs Mind I Can Use Hands Moving Objects

Author:Demetri Martin

“When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."”

Trying I Can Play Happens Situation Basketball Draws Evidence Conclusion Hypothesis Empirical Evidence

Author:Demetri Martin

“I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.”

Knows I Can Opposites Motor Primal Unicycles

Author:Demetri Martin

“I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."”

Knows Should I Can Two Humor Funny Together Stuff Loses Break Forever Cutting Rocks Fine Paper Thirds Destroyed Damage Take Me Bent Break Through Back Together Dynamite Scissors

Author:Demetri Martin

“Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.”

Men I Can Lasts Lost Black Differences Class Week Temper Receiving Belts Because I Can Karate Black Belt

Author:Demetri Martin

“I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.”

Ifs Trying I Can Use Alive Air Bed Holes Staying Alive Poke Mattresses

Author:Demetri Martin

“I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.”

I Can Certain Stupid

Author:Demetri Martin

“I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.”

Ifs I Can Real Choices Millions Possibility Amount Infinite Divides Finite

Author:Demetri Martin

“I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.”

I Can Lonely Stores Fooled

Author:Demetri Martin

“I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.”

People Ifs Thinking Stills I Can Water Simple Strange Planets Glasses Technological Simplest Dip Disconnected Blackberries

Author:Demetri Martin

“I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.”

People Thinking Giving Writing Trying I Can Whole Guy Song Like You Jokes Direct Give Me Songwriters This Guy Dylan I Like You

Author:Demetri Martin

“I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”

Believe I Can Sometimes Use Humor Funny Morning Breakfast Unbelievable Toasts

Author:Demetri Martin

“The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”

Thinking I Can Audience Fronts Feedback Improvisation Loops

Author:Demetri Martin

“Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”

People Ifs Thinking I Can Ideas Funny Fun Laughing Jokes

Author:Demetri Martin

About the Author

Born: May 25, 1973
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 496

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People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

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