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Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes

Comedian

Demetri Martin is an American comedian, writer, and actor known for his unique and witty humor style. He is recognized for his sharp wit and satirical commentary, often performing in television shows, movies, and stage performances. Born on May 25, 1973, Martin's career began in New York comedy clubs.

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Famous Demetri Martin Quotes

“Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!”

Humor Funny Comedy Comedian Equivocation

Author:Demetri Martin

“No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.”

Humor Comedy Humorous Parents Humorous Quotes Wolves Dads Raised By Wolves

Author:Demetri Martin

“When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.”

People School Moving Law Found Comedy Good Things Meetings Clubs Disappointed Approval Disappointing Law School Disapproval Showbiz Comedy Clubs Approval Of Others

Author:Demetri Martin

“I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.”

Way Today Deals Comedy Focus Gay Comic Hips Hipster

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.”

Thinking Shows Fall Differences Comedy Jokes

Author:Demetri Martin

“I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.”

Way Needs Done Play Attention Comedy Busters Physical Comedy Understated

Author:Demetri Martin

“For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.”

People Ifs Sometimes Hard Moving Comedy My Friends Tolerance Comedian Confused Offense Shocked

Author:Demetri Martin

“When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.”

Funny Comedy Taxpayers

Author:Demetri Martin

“My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.”

Hands Funny Comedy Nice My Friends Smell Dirty Soap Coconuts

Author:Demetri Martin

“Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."”

Feels Sometimes Kids Funny Turns Sides Saws Comedy Connections Yeah Mad Stranger Hitting Malls Your Side

Author:Demetri Martin

“Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."”

Ifs Knows Want Looks Said Sometimes Today Funny Attention Comedy Sentences Racist Typical Mexican

Author:Demetri Martin

“I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.”

People Want Years Film Spirit House Comedy Mediums Solitary Yards Colleagues Good Films Film Set

Author:Demetri Martin

“I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, "Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good." Hopefully it balances out.”

People Thinking Hate Opinion Comedy Balance Okay Like Me Hopefully Don't Like Me

Author:Demetri Martin

“I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.”

Knows Bigs Growing Up Comedy Growing My Friends Comedian Nerd

Author:Demetri Martin

“It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.”

Two Stories Seems Form Courses Comedy Jokes Exclusive

Author:Demetri Martin

“The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.”

Reason Comedy Getting Laid

Author:Demetri Martin

“I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.”

Thinking Shows Care Politics Chance My Own Comedy Tough Relevant I Care Tough Times Daily Show

Author:Demetri Martin

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”

Humor Funny Comedy Example Months Winner Employee Loser Good Examples Great Business Winner And Loser

Author:Demetri Martin

“I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”

Humor Funny Certain Song Comedy Pockets Lighters Smokers

Author:Demetri Martin

“My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”

Humor Funny Turns Comedy Garbage Screwed Up Plumbing Garbage Disposal

Author:Demetri Martin

“I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.”

Said Humor Funny Comedy Size Stores Scales Clothings

Author:Demetri Martin

“I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.”

Years Comedy Fans

Author:Demetri Martin

“But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.”

Writing Long Stories Shows Wanted Actors Comedy Tvs Tv Shows Long Story Sketch Comedy

Author:Demetri Martin

“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

Humor Funny Comedy I Realized Kitchen I'm Sorry Crushed Flew Pancakes Roommate Blueberries Spatulas

Author:Demetri Martin

“It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.”

Humor Funny Turns Easy Comedy Adults Toys Location

Author:Demetri Martin

“I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.”

Home Humor Funny Comedy Curse Pennies Jars

Author:Demetri Martin

“This is a pie chart about procrastination.”

Humor Funny Comedy Procrastination Pie

Author:Demetri Martin

“Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"”

Persons Humor Funny Guy Sports Watches Comedy Worst Gold Yeah My Favorite Fats Hills Olympics Medal That Guy Gold Medals Skiing Favorite Sports

Author:Demetri Martin

“I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.”

Said Humor Wanted Funny Guy Girl Difficult Space Comedy Seeing Serious Ready Greek Eyebrows Space Between This Girl Difficult Relationship

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"”

Thinking Mind Humor Would Be Funny Comedy Makers Frustrating Really Romantic

Author:Demetri Martin

“I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.”

World Sometimes Humor Funny Dies Comedy Baby Celebrate Cake Streaks Celebrate Life When Someone Dies

Author:Demetri Martin

“I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".”

Humor Would Be Funny Girl Enjoy Situation Comedy Dancing Trapped Cages Suspended Mtv Ambivalent

Author:Demetri Martin

“I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"”

Humor Funny Issues Comedy My Friends Abandonment Garage Kites Boomerang

Author:Demetri Martin

“Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'”

Funny Answers Comedy Smell Muffins

Author:Demetri Martin

“To me, comedy is a game.”

Author:Demetri Martin

About the Author

Born: May 25, 1973
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 496

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