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Famous Demetri Martin Quotes
“It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.”
“My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.”
“When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.”
“People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.”
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
“Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.”
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.”
“My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”