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Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes

Comedian

Demetri Martin is an American comedian, writer, and actor known for his unique and witty humor style. He is recognized for his sharp wit and satirical commentary, often performing in television shows, movies, and stage performances. Born on May 25, 1973, Martin's career began in New York comedy clubs.

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All Ifs Funny Humor Thinking People Comedy Knows Want Way Looks Trying Said Sometimes Men I'm Sorry Guy Shows Feels Would Be I Can

Famous Demetri Martin Quotes

“I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.”

People Thinking Writing Night Culture Walks Laughing Pops Pop Culture Microphones Make Me Laugh

Author:Demetri Martin

“Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.”

Thinking Party Numbers Conversation Killers Palindromes

Author:Demetri Martin

“I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.”

Thinking Should Ideas Jokes Fewer

Author:Demetri Martin

“I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Process Mistake Know How Journey Masters

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.”

Thinking Shows Fall Differences Comedy Jokes

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.”

Ifs Thinking Needs Littles Desire Insane Hurdle Impediments

Author:Demetri Martin

“If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.”

Ifs Thinking Years Mind Different Might Waiting Ten Window Conclusion

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.”

Thinking Would Be Fire Tricks Candle Factories

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.”

People Ifs Thinking Looks Shows Bird Statues Great People

Author:Demetri Martin

“I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.”

Thinking Knows Book Play House Know How My Family Instruments

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.”

Ifs Thinking Way Feels Moving Alive Progress Picks Right Thing My Time Good Way

Author:Demetri Martin

“There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Want Trying Littles Ends Whole Shows Order Audience Jokes Careful Boring Lists Rough

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.”

People Thinking Hard Reason Night Audience Stage Phones Get Up More Time Performers Really Great Bathroom Turned Off

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.”

People Thinking Doe Shows Realizing Watches Worry Hell Tvs Producers Tv Shows

Author:Demetri Martin

“If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'”

Ifs Thinking Way Trying Years Found Loses Laughing Taught Jokes Mouths Dirty Coming Out

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.”

Thinking Should Littles Bits Fronts Little Bit Train Pie

Author:Demetri Martin

“It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.”

People Ifs Thinking Way Feels Doe Used Realizing Roles Like You Models Importance Versions Role Models Exaggerated

Author:Demetri Martin

“I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, "Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good." Hopefully it balances out.”

People Thinking Hate Opinion Comedy Balance Okay Like Me Hopefully Don't Like Me

Author:Demetri Martin

“Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.”

Thinking Writing Walks Laughing Make Me Laugh

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.”

Thinking Firsts Hard

Author:Demetri Martin

“As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.”

Thinking Stuff Written Comic

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.”

Thinking Hair Easier Distance Hair Gel

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.”

Thinking Invention All Time Groundbreaking

Author:Demetri Martin

“I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'”

Thinking Knows Littles Long Form Fine News Surgery Good News

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.”

Ifs Thinking Found Names Attitude Stupid Cat Funny Cat

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.”

Thinking Sound My Favorite Bongos

Author:Demetri Martin

“Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.”

Thinking Walks Forget Never Forget Caves

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.”

Thinking Knows Speak Language Know How Ties Annoying

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.”

Thinking Would Be Bears Blame Dancing

Author:Demetri Martin

“I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?”

Ifs Thinking Should Ears Rings Loud Tone Melody Lawmakers

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.”

Thinking Bears Worms Gummies

Author:Demetri Martin

“The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.”

People Thinking Problem Party Settling Collections Balloons Settling Down

Author:Demetri Martin

“If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.”

People Ifs Thinking Interesting Half Loud

Author:Demetri Martin

“A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.”

Thinking Looks Greater Like You Smoking Pipe Smoking A Pipe Bongs

Author:Demetri Martin

“The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.”

Thinking Stills Planets Grew Terrible Grew Up Including Footnotes Pluto

Author:Demetri Martin

“I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.”

People Ifs Thinking Stills I Can Water Simple Strange Planets Glasses Technological Simplest Dip Disconnected Blackberries

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.”

Thinking Half Hell Cutting Magic Calling Dumb Best Things Cop Rats

Author:Demetri Martin

“I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.”

People Thinking Giving Writing Trying I Can Whole Guy Song Like You Jokes Direct Give Me Songwriters This Guy Dylan I Like You

Author:Demetri Martin

“I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.”

Thinking Trying Different Shows Problem Form Asks Five Four Minutes Starting Drawing Different Things Five Minutes Playing Music Starting Out

Author:Demetri Martin

“I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.”

Thinking Shows Care Politics Chance My Own Comedy Tough Relevant I Care Tough Times Daily Show

Author:Demetri Martin

“I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.”

Thinking Kind Book Different Nice India Drawing Pens Ink Really Nice Fingertips Procrastinating

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.”

Thinking Girlfriend Exes Ex Girlfriend

Author:Demetri Martin

“If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'”

Ifs Thinking Hate Morning I Hate Make Sense Hitting Buttons Snooze Button

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'”

“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'”

Ifs Thinking Knows Kind Hard Humor Funny Causes Confusion I'm Sorry Hello Foreigners Batteries Stuttering

Author:Demetri Martin

“The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”

Thinking I Can Audience Fronts Feedback Improvisation Loops

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'”

Ifs Thinking Needs Should Writing Looks Said Helping Use Humor Would Be Funny Language Like You Paper Computer Notes More Money Being Cool Need Help Clip Ransom Paper Clips

Author:Demetri Martin

“There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.”

Thinking World Humor Funny Names Comfortable Stores Neighborhood Magical Places Futons

Author:Demetri Martin

“Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”

People Ifs Thinking I Can Ideas Funny Fun Laughing Jokes

Author:Demetri Martin

“I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.”

Thinking Long Lying Tendencies Legendary Walrus

Author:Demetri Martin

About the Author

Born: May 25, 1973
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 496

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