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Famous Demetri Martin Quotes
“People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.”
“I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.”
“If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.”
“I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.”
“The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.”
“If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.”
“If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.”
“If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.”
“I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.”
“If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.”
“If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.”
“Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.”
“It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.”
“If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.”
“Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.”