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Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes

Comedian

Demetri Martin is an American comedian, writer, and actor known for his unique and witty humor style. He is recognized for his sharp wit and satirical commentary, often performing in television shows, movies, and stage performances. Born on May 25, 1973, Martin's career began in New York comedy clubs.

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All Ifs Funny Humor Thinking People Comedy Knows Want Way Looks Trying Said Sometimes Men I'm Sorry Guy Shows Feels Would Be I Can

Famous Demetri Martin Quotes

“It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.”

Ifs Would Be Interesting Reincarnation Funny Music Impersonators

Author:Demetri Martin

“The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.”

Ifs Looks May Guy Jesus Chance Crosses Raises Pot Wrong Guy

Author:Demetri Martin

“I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'”

Ifs Children Said Kids Sound Watches Saws Fairs Trade Fair Trade

Author:Demetri Martin

“Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.”

Ifs Way Break Asking Greek Pregnant

Author:Demetri Martin

“If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.”

Ifs Blind Blindfolds

Author:Demetri Martin

“The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.”

Ifs Book Kids Remember Film Stuff Sports Grew Grew Up Shore Peter Nerd Geek Jersey Sellers Gary Dork Jersey Shore

Author:Demetri Martin

“One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.”

Ifs Way Walks Party One Thing Costumes Cemetery Shortcuts Mummy

Author:Demetri Martin

“I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.”

Ifs Should Two Causes Saws Dog Arms Clothes Ridiculous Pairs Pants Sweaters

Author:Demetri Martin

“Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.”

Ifs Knows Men Two Real Fighting Fun Saws Crazy Gay One Time Versus Relaxation Pillow Geese Ahead Of Time Pillow Fights

Author:Demetri Martin

“I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.”

Ifs States Moving Culture Hell Easier Shapes Draws Areas Harder I've Learned

Author:Demetri Martin

“If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.”

Ifs Sometimes House Imagine Tree Remove Imagine That Treehouses

Author:Demetri Martin

“You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.”

Ifs Form Turns Attention Deserve Majority Cease Breathing Conformity Dedicated Norm Ridicule Mock Scrutiny

Author:Demetri Martin

“If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'”

Ifs Thinking Hate Morning I Hate Make Sense Hitting Buttons Snooze Button

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'”

“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'”

Ifs Knows Problem Humor Funny Moving Next Causes Chance Pieces Fruit My Favorite Stuck Apples I'm Sorry No Problem Grapes Peaches Another Chance Just Move On

Author:Demetri Martin

“If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!”

Ifs Funny Humorous Witty Fats Spoons Silver Spoons

Author:Demetri Martin

“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'”

Ifs Giving Humor Funny Ability Hell Pieces Nice Fruit Insane Apples Mail I'm Sorry Appearing Baskets Fruits Basket

Author:Demetri Martin

“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.”

Ifs Dangerous Drunk Drivers Persuasive Backseat Backseat Drivers

Author:Demetri Martin

“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.”

Ifs Saws Calling Letters I'm Sorry Amputees

Author:Demetri Martin

“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'”

Ifs Thinking Knows Kind Hard Humor Funny Causes Confusion I'm Sorry Hello Foreigners Batteries Stuttering

Author:Demetri Martin

“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”

Ifs Humor Funny Moving Hours Half Building One Time Riding Stairs Elevators Escalators

Author:Demetri Martin

“And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.”

Ifs Morning Track Looking Forward Right Track

Author:Demetri Martin

“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.”

People Ifs Humans Kind Different Hard Situation Car Arguing Driving I'm Sorry Squirrels

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'”

Ifs Thinking Needs Should Writing Looks Said Helping Use Humor Would Be Funny Language Like You Paper Computer Notes More Money Being Cool Need Help Clip Ransom Paper Clips

Author:Demetri Martin

“Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.”

Ifs Choices Fun Survival Romantic Boat Romantic Love Enjoyable Row Boats

Author:Demetri Martin

“Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”

People Ifs Thinking I Can Ideas Funny Fun Laughing Jokes

Author:Demetri Martin

“To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"”

People Ifs Trying Stills Problem Sides Known Wonder Standing Sells Shoes Radio Bars Chiefs Buddy Shack

Author:Demetri Martin

“It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!”

Ifs Fire Please Theater Hot Smoke Flames Illegal Makers Crowded This Is A Book

Author:Demetri Martin

“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.”

People Ifs Trying Two Self Artist Can Do Police Details Instance Features Suspects Portraits Precise Self Portrait This Is A Book

Author:Demetri Martin

“There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?”

Ifs Thinking Knows Way Mean Sometimes Speak Wonder Hunger Relevant

Author:Demetri Martin

“Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.”

People Ifs Humor Funny Young White Drink Red Wine Drinking Vegan Annoying Steak Pasta Drinking Wine Red Wine White Wine

Author:Demetri Martin

“If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.”

Ifs Life Hard Funny Novel Mystery Bookstores Mystery Novels

Author:Demetri Martin

“A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.”

Ifs Inspirational Dream Funny Gay Your Dreams

Author:Demetri Martin

“If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'”

Ifs Faces Mouths Wide Holes Thanks Your Face Pie Feeding

Author:Demetri Martin

About the Author

Born: May 25, 1973
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 496

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