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Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes

Comedian

Demetri Martin is an American comedian, writer, and actor known for his unique and witty humor style. He is recognized for his sharp wit and satirical commentary, often performing in television shows, movies, and stage performances. Born on May 25, 1973, Martin's career began in New York comedy clubs.

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All Ifs Funny Humor Thinking People Comedy Knows Want Way Looks Trying Said Sometimes Men I'm Sorry Guy Shows Feels Would Be I Can

Famous Demetri Martin Quotes

“I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Process Mistake Know How Journey Masters

Author:Demetri Martin

“It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time."”

Knows Trying Years Said Wanted Left Decision Answers Pay Figures Degrees Waste Dumb More Time They Said Scholarship Just Do It

Author:Demetri Martin

“I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.”

Knows I Can Opposites Motor Primal Unicycles

Author:Demetri Martin

“I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.”

Thinking Knows Book Play House Know How My Family Instruments

Author:Demetri Martin

“There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Want Trying Littles Ends Whole Shows Order Audience Jokes Careful Boring Lists Rough

Author:Demetri Martin

“When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.”

Knows Persons Used Guy Names Gone Havens Goes On Projects Pages Used To Be Cousin Wikipedia My Cousin

Author:Demetri Martin

“I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."”

Knows Should I Can Two Humor Funny Together Stuff Loses Break Forever Cutting Rocks Fine Paper Thirds Destroyed Damage Take Me Bent Break Through Back Together Dynamite Scissors

Author:Demetri Martin

“Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."”

Ifs Knows Want Looks Said Sometimes Today Funny Attention Comedy Sentences Racist Typical Mexican

Author:Demetri Martin

“Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.”

Knows Feels Trying Ends Stupid Spells Bananas

Author:Demetri Martin

“I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.”

Knows Bigs Growing Up Comedy Growing My Friends Comedian Nerd

Author:Demetri Martin

“I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.”

People Knows Trying Enough Helping Would Be Running Guy Minutes Cry Gym Packs Good Work Workout Listening To Music That Guy Yelling Treadmills Good Workout Packs Of Wolves

Author:Demetri Martin

“It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.”

Knows Men Two Hard Fighting Gay Boxing Belts

Author:Demetri Martin

“If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.”

Ifs Knows Want Dry Choke

Author:Demetri Martin

“What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!”

Knows Milk Rice Nipples

Author:Demetri Martin

“I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'”

Thinking Knows Littles Long Form Fine News Surgery Good News

Author:Demetri Martin

“When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.”

Knows Play Curse Buttons Toes Curse Words

Author:Demetri Martin

“I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.”

Knows Fronts Cards

Author:Demetri Martin

“I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.”

Thinking Knows Speak Language Know How Ties Annoying

Author:Demetri Martin

“I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.”

Knows Feels Lucky Grateful Fortunate Appreciative So Grateful Synonym

Author:Demetri Martin

“I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.”

Knows Want Needs Mean Sometimes Hard Would Be New York Fine Mouths Neighborhood Rays Delicious Want Something Glamour Pizza Glitz

Author:Demetri Martin

“You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.”

Knows Waiting Lists Exaggeration Correcting

Author:Demetri Martin

“How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.”

Knows Looks Forget Audience Creative Bunch Sketchbooks

Author:Demetri Martin

“Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.”

Ifs Knows Men Two Real Fighting Fun Saws Crazy Gay One Time Versus Relaxation Pillow Geese Ahead Of Time Pillow Fights

Author:Demetri Martin

“I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.”

Knows Turtles Sticker

Author:Demetri Martin

“I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.”

Knows Feels Doe Said Humor Funny Girl Names Talking Dog Like You Mets Yeah Cute Parks Liars Bites This Girl

Author:Demetri Martin

“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'”

Ifs Knows Problem Humor Funny Moving Next Causes Chance Pieces Fruit My Favorite Stuck Apples I'm Sorry No Problem Grapes Peaches Another Chance Just Move On

Author:Demetri Martin

“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'”

Ifs Thinking Knows Kind Hard Humor Funny Causes Confusion I'm Sorry Hello Foreigners Batteries Stuttering

Author:Demetri Martin

“I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.”

Knows Important Track

Author:Demetri Martin

“I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.”

Knows Persons Grateful Average Average Person Hendrix Woodstock

Author:Demetri Martin

“I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.”

Knows Kind Feelings Happens Happened Catching Snapshots

Author:Demetri Martin

“I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.”

Knows School Jobs Law College Fit Lawyer Law School

Author:Demetri Martin

“A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.”

Knows Persons Annoying Know It All

Author:Demetri Martin

“There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?”

Ifs Thinking Knows Way Mean Sometimes Speak Wonder Hunger Relevant

Author:Demetri Martin

About the Author

Born: May 25, 1973
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 496

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