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Ambrose Bierce Quotes

Journalist

Ambrose Bierce was an American journalist, satirist, and editor, renowned for his sharp wit and dark humor. He is best known for his satirical novel 'The Devil's Dictionary' and his short stories. Bierce was born on June 24, 1842, and his exact date of death remains unknown, as he disappeared during the American Civil War.

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Famous Ambrose Bierce Quotes

“SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.”

Humor Funny Myth Legends Fables Revision Definition Revisionist

Book:The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.”

Humor Funny Homicide

Book:The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.”

Way War Funny Literature Peace Teaching Military Geography Geography Teachers

Author:Ambrose Bierce

“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.”

Persons Funny Degrees Lows Laziness Repose Sloth Indolence

Book:The Devil's Dictionary

Source: The Devil's Dictionary

“Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.”

Source: Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)

“Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.”

Two States Funny Community Marriage Conditions Masters Romantic Slave Wedding Mistress Anniversary Love And Marriage Wedding Anniversary Inspirational Marriage Best Marriage Sweet Anniversary

Author:Ambrose Bierce

“Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.”

Humor Funny Law Religion Universe Asks Prayer Atheism Praying Behalf Unworthy

Book:The Devil's Dictionary

Source: The Devil's Dictionary

“What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.”

Believe Country Humor Funny Politics Party Politician Republican Humorous Democrat Ruins Ruined

Book:The Ambrose Bierce satanic reader: selections from the invective journalism of the great satirist

Source: The Ambrose Bierce satanic reader: selections from the invective journalism of the great satirist

“Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.”

Humor Funny Happiness Joy Misery Happy Sensations Contemplating What Is Happiness Misery And Pain

Book:Tales of Soldiers and Civilians: and Other Stories

Source: Tales of Soldiers and Civilians: and Other Stories

“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.”

Humor Government Care Funny Form Political Civilization Republican Office Honored Forms Of Government Exemption

Author:Ambrose Bierce

“Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.”

Way Humor Funny Moving Literature Crime Property Criminals Mysterious Mysterious Ways Crime And Criminals Criminals Crime

Book:Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs

Source: Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs

“Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.”

Funny Science House Money Plans Architecture Architect Bad Ass Badass Architecture And Design Architecture Design

Book:The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.”

Said Humor Funny Politics Party Republican Humorous Drinking Democrat

Author:Ambrose Bierce

“The covers of this book are too far apart.”

Book Funny Drink Humorous Criticism Critics Witty Beer Sarcasm Writing A Book Book Reading Book Covers

Book:Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)

Source: Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)

“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”

Kind Two Funny Hatred Fortune Definitions Jealousy Sarcasm Sarcastic Misfortunes Calamity Good Fortune Jealousy Envy Jealousy And Envy Jealous And Envy Misfortunes Of Others Sarcastic Love Jealousy And Insecurity

Author:Ambrose Bierce

“Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.”

Giving Persons Funny Hope Giving Up Humorous Skins Bones Lawyer Retaining

Book:The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.”

Love Funny Women Marriage Growing Minutes Revenge Growing Older Wronged

Book:Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)

Source: Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)

“In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.”

Humans Heart Character Humor Funny Integrity Activity Diversity Dues Ass Pigs Tigers Human Heart Nightingales

Book:The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.”

Said Funny Enemy Military Display Troops Commanders Valor Collision Delinquents

Book:The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World

Source: The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World

“PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.”

Funny Spirit Music Audience Keys Machines Piano Visitors Parlor Playing Piano Piano Playing Utensils Piano Keys

Book:The Devil's Dictionary: Easyread Large Bold Edition

Source: The Devil's Dictionary: Easyread Large Bold Edition

“A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.”

Age Funny Young Certain Nervous Disorder

Book:Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs

Source: Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs

“NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.”

Knows Love Doe Humor Funny Know How True Love Neighbor

Book:The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World

Source: The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World

“Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.”

God Funny Names Effects Vain Select Swearing

Book:The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World

Source: The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World

“AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.”

Has Beens Country Humor Funny Lying Sea Development South Islands Australia Continents Unfortunate Disputes Retarded Geographers

Book:The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World

Source: The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World

“Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.”

Truth Funny Appearance Compounds Ingenious Desirability

Book:Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs

Source: Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs

“Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.”

Funny Science Mouths Teeth Pockets Metals Coins Dentist Dental Toothache Dentistry

Author:Ambrose Bierce

About the Author

Born: June 24, 1842
Died: 1914
Known for: Journalist
Quotes: 1022

Books & Sources

The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil WorldRelated source material

The Unabridged Devil's DictionaryRelated source material

Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)Related source material

The Devil's DictionaryRelated source material

Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and MemoirsRelated source material

The Devil's Dictionary: Easyread Large Bold EditionRelated source material

The Devil's Dictionary: Easyread Super Large 18pt EditionRelated source material

A Cynic Looks at LifeRelated source material

The Best Of Ambrose Bierce: The Damned Thing + An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge + The Devil's Dictionary + Chickamauga (4 Classics in 1 Book)Related source material

The Devil's Dictionary: Complete & UnabridgedRelated source material

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