“In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.” DoeSaidBodyThreePoliticsComedyHuman NatureEqualEthicsHuman RightsVicesBonesIdeologyFormerPresidentialCandidatesInterviewsRacistEqual RightsCivilitySpineSexistPresidential CandidatePartisanshipHomophobic Author:Conan O'Brien
“Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.” SaidStillsReligionHeavenComedyReturnAtheistFavorsVoidNothingnessPope Author:Conan O'Brien
“During last night's Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he's running for president” Has BeensSaidBigsRunningLastsNightPresidentLaughingRepublicanBiggerCongressSpendingDebateLast NightMikeSpending MoneySalonsBeauty Salon Author:Conan O'Brien
“Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said 'Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.'” LooksSaidBehindsThirdsVotersDisappointingDeanIowaHampshireNew HampshireThird Place Author:Conan O'Brien
“Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.'” PeopleThinkingLooksSaidTodayFightingNamesClearColdYeahStatementsInnocentGuiltyGet BackArrogant Author:Conan O'Brien
“The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to saute the books.” SaidBookPresidentTermResponsibilityStreetsWallSpeechBiggerCooksCorporateSpokesExecutivesScandalPresident BushCorporate Responsibility Author:Conan O'Brien
“Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office.” KnowsKindDoeSaidNew YorkTrumpOfficeMeetingsPresidentialCandidatesCruzPresidential CandidateOval Author:Conan O'Brien
“Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord, El Chapo. Mexico said they'll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo.” SaidLordMillionsInformationDrugRewardsCaptureMexicoOfferingBillionaireBorrowing Author:Conan O'Brien
“Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'” SaidPresidentCrisisHearingDrunkHeyIsraeliPresident BushPresident Nixon Author:Conan O'Brien
“In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'” YearsMadeSaidTwoLastsRememberNightPresidentMistakePressesTwo YearsConferencesLast NightPresident BushPress ConferencesOne Mistake Author:Conan O'Brien
“In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said 'Hey, she stole my speech.'” SaidHeardSpeechClintonLikesIceHeyInterviewsCreamFlavorIce CreamChristie Author:Conan O'Brien
“Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up.” SaidNumbersSticksBarsBeerDietsCheatedPorkCheated OnSnickers Author:Conan O'Brien
“Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding.” SaidStatesResultsGoneTrumpFairsHidingRidingEntrancesIowaHelicoptersPoniesChristie Author:Conan O'Brien
“Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, 'I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.'” WantBelieveSaidUniverseI BelieveMissingTrumpUsaGreat Relationship Author:Conan O'Brien
“Donald Trump said prior to the debate that he wants to be very civil. He said that instead of referring to all Hispanics as criminals, he'll call them criminal Americans.” WantSaidTrumpCriminalsDebateReferring Author:Conan O'Brien
“Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.” SaidTodayGuyRichWifeTrumpGayThirdsGay MarriageStanceAgainst Gay Marriage Author:Conan O'Brien
“At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, 'Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife.'” PersonsSaidPayWifeTrumpPaidMy WifeCampaignsLike MeExtrasCheer Author:Conan O'Brien
“Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.” NeedsSaidShowsTodayPresidentTrumpYesterdayCharlieGaryEndorsementsRandyGreat PresidentsQuaid Author:Conan O'Brien
“Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head.” IfsSaidRunningPresidentTermReturnTrumpBirthTaxesReleasePresident ObamaCertificatesBirth CertificateTax Returns Author:Conan O'Brien
“On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka.” DoeSaidNamesTrumpBirthNewsDaughterFoxesFox NewsCertificatesBirth Certificate Author:Conan O'Brien
“Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'” LooksSaidLastsWishHoursTrumpCiaBin LadenApprentice Author:Conan O'Brien
“People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, 'Trust me, I know what goes on down there, because I'm a huge douche.'” PeopleKnowsSaidHugeGoes OnTrumpPeriodsJokesMadTrust MeDouches Author:Conan O'Brien
“People are already talking about the next presidential election. There's stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech, a prominent Democrat said that Hillary Clinton should not run because she can't win. Immediately after the speech, Hillary told her husband to shut up.” PeopleShouldSaidStoriesMightRunningNextWinningTalkingHusbandSpeechElectionClintonDemocratPresidentialShut UpProminentCan't WinPresidential Election Author:Conan O'Brien
“A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it's the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.” YearsFirstsSaidStarsRocksStrangeTenFirst TimeRelationFirmRock StarPublicityStrange ThingsPublic Relations Author:Conan O'Brien
“After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'” Has BeensSaidHearingPrizePutinNobelNobel Peace Prize Author:Conan O'Brien
“Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats.” PeopleFirstsSaidTodayNewsElectionPressesDemocratCampaignsFactorsConferencesMccainPalinPress ConferencesEnergizing Author:Conan O'Brien
“It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'” MeanHas BeensSaidTodayTurnsWaitingWaterSpaceMachinesDrinkingInternationalHearingFixedBoardsStationsAstronautLemonsDrinking WaterInternational Space Station Author:Conan O'Brien
“Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama's offer to become secretary of state. That's what they're saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said 'yes.'” YearsFirstsSaidStatesNew YorkOffersFirst TimeYeahBillsClintonAcceptedBarackSecretaryNew York Times Author:Conan O'Brien
“The three auto companies in the United States, they're all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, '$25 billion.' They just want that money; they don't care. That's without mud flaps.” WayWantWellsSaidStatesCareThreeUnitedCompanyUnited StatesPlansWeekCostYeahCome UpDon't CareBillionsMilesMudHybridFusionGallons Author:Conan O'Brien
“On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan.” SaidStatesWantedPlansElectionYeahPresidentialDisappointingBallotsElection Day Author:Conan O'Brien
“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot ... to legalizing pot.” SaidTodayPresidentDogPositionLikesPotSnoop Dog Author:Conan O'Brien
“Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.” SaidForgetSecretMedicalSuspectsMarijuanaSecret ServiceMedical Marijuana Author:Conan O'Brien
“The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That's what they said. It's a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC.” SaidStoriesBigsGovernmentDangerousDrugResearchYeahMarijuanaThey SaidFederal GovernmentRequestKfcDangerous Drugs Author:Conan O'Brien
“The latest political rumor, North Korea ruler Kim Jong Il is close to naming his successor. Yeah, he said the only person with glasses big enough to replace me is Nicole Richie.” PersonsSaidEnoughBigsPoliticalYeahGlassesRulersKoreaRumorNorth KoreaKimSuccessorsNicole Author:Conan O'Brien
“In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another 'Sex in the City' movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered - there's only so much they can take.” SaidSexHoursCitiesInterviewsIsisKim Author:Conan O'Brien
“Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.” Has BeensSaidStoriesGayClaimsRelatedTomsAttorneyExhaustionCruiseSuing Author:Conan O'Brien
“CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'” MenSaidCrazyNewsDictatorSaddamHusseinAnchorsCrazy ManNews Anchors Author:Conan O'Brien
“In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.” SaidHelpingPresidentBrainDiseaseResearchCuresCellsAddressesPrimeStemFundingPresident BushAlzheimerAlzheimer'sStem CellParkinsonStem Cell ResearchParkinson'sPrime TimeEmbryonic Stem Cell Research Author:Conan O'Brien
“John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.” KnowsDoeSaidSometimesCareersAirplaneAeroplanesTake Control Author:Conan O'Brien
“Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.” YearsFirstsSaidStillsWarHardLostStarsFansHavensCryCoreTicketsVirginityHard Core Author:Conan O'Brien
“The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.” IfsSaidWarHelpingGovernmentLastsArmyIraqMinistersCanadaPrimeLast TimePrime MinisterCanadian Government Author:Conan O'Brien
“The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'” IfsSaidWarRunningFightingPresidentFireArmyIraqVicesFirmContractsVice PresidentBidding Author:Conan O'Brien
“President Obama , I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'” SaidPresidentMissingAnxietyStartingBarackInterviewsPresident ObamaHusseinOld DaysHawaiians Author:Conan O'Brien
“At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.'” SaidStatesPresidentDollarsFortuneDinnerChineseCookiesFortune Cookie Author:Conan O'Brien
“President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'” FirstsSaidNightHousePresidentWhiteRepublicanResponseCelebrateWhite HousePresident ObamaCeremonyHanukkah Author:Conan O'Brien
“The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language.” YearsSaidLanguageHonoredEnglish LanguageDictionaryPalinOxford Author:Conan O'Brien
“In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.” FirstsSaidBookEyeHusbandDemocratLoudPalinNew BooksThank You GodFuture Husband Author:Conan O'Brien
“According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.” SaidTodayFoundPresidentBehindsWestReportsPresident ObamaComing OutSlogansJackassesYes We Can Author:Conan O'Brien
“President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, 'I'd like to encourage you to do some shopping while you're here.' I think it worked because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming.” ThinkingMadeSaidTwoStatesBigsPresidentCompanyCarNew YorkSpeechMembersChinaEightPresident ObamaShoppingAssemblyWyomingGeneral Assembly Author:Conan O'Brien
“Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds' agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he's on more drugs than Barry Bonds.” SaidHomeRunningDrugNewsYesterdayAgentsHome Run Author:Conan O'Brien
