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Jarod Kintz Quotes

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Famous Jarod Kintz Quotes

“She said she was a fan of Edward Snowden, and I replied, "You know, I'm something of a whistleblower myself. In fact, I'm so advanced it's called a flute. I play elevator music as smooth as a duck swims, and if you enjoy the duration of your ride, you might consider tipping.”

“For most people, their brains host their memories. But not me. I store all my nostalgia in my ducks, so even if I should die, my ducks will still know how much money you owe me.”

“People pay a lot of fake money for old wine bottles filled with mystery fluid that they haven’t even tasted because it’s centuries old. So, I’m willing to bet people would spend even more fiat currency for new wine bottles filled with duck soup.”

“After a stranger asked where I'm from, I told him I'm from Florida, and he said he has been there once and he'd stayed a week. I replied, "Yes, I remember. We all waited for you to come back, and we wondered where you had gone. We cried out for you, but you never answered." Then I offered him a swig of duck soup, because I had a thermos full and we were now practically brothers.”

“Ducks love me because I am a dandelion. I am a Wind Flower. I'm half wind, half flower. My mother is a flower and my father is the wind, and I know this because he's so gone he's invisible, but at one time my mother felt his presence.”

“My cousin doesn't know my name, so he calls me Marie The 13th. I told him, "Please, call me Mr. The 13th. Marie is my father's name." Family reunions are always awkward because nobody there is related to me. Still, I give them all discounts on BearPaw Duck Farm omelets.”

“I make music one note at a time, just like Mozart did. Tomorrow night you’ll get to hear the second note in my masterpiece symphony. If you could take the clicking noises that a whale makes, merge them with ducks quacking, and convert them to digital wavelengths, that's the vibe.”

“The reason I write music with one note occurring every 24 hours is that slow dancing is a lost art, and I'm trying to bring it back at an almost inaudible pace. Listen like a duck swims or you'll miss the best part of the song.”

“Old houses make funny noises. One time I stayed in a decaying place that made sounds like John Waite's 1984 radio hit "Missing You." Personally, I liked it, but the 13 ducks I was sharing a bathtub with didn't agree, so they made me take them to the luxury hotel known as Motel 6.”

“Here is a historical fact that somehow gets overlooked, and might seem controversial, but it just simply is true: The Beastie Boys should only be listened to by deaf people. Any other time it plays over speakers, it should be considered torture and an act of war. Even ducks, the songbirds of the feathered swimmers, hate The Beastie Boys, and consider them to be The Three Stooges of the musical world, with all of the vocal talent of Gilbert Gottfried.”

“A zebra is the piano of the animal kingdom, and now you can learn to play like Mozart on horseback. If I can coach my ducks to become World Dodgeball Champions, I can make your musical equestrian dreams a reality.”

“I sleep in my sunglasses. They’re two miles away and I’m awake at the time, thanks to my ducks and their quacking and their loud jazz music in the early morning hours between 3-5 PM.”

“Dust off your dancing shoes, the ones with wheels attached, because I’ve got banjo sounds FOR SALE. I’ve got boxes and boxes of the stuff labeled “Sexy," and to be sure nobody steals them, they are rubber and waterproof and I store them all on the bottom of my duck pond.”

“The sign in the parking lot next to a mini cliff said, "Danger Falling Rocks," so I commented, "Who's this band, Danger Falling? If they rock, how come I've never heard of them or heard them?" They can't be better than Bette Midler, or my ducks would sing them during karaoke.”

“Mr. Cuddleswithbubbles just asked me if I could make a soapy duck soup that’s scented like a Boxcar Willie song, to capture that classic 1991 Branson nostalgia. I’ll try, but I’m not sure if I have that much cactus extract.”

“Music is so archaic. Why do we still listen to songs through our ears? Why can't music come in liquid format, and be mixed in with my morning coffee that I love to drink when I first wake up at 3:33 PM? Also consider the ducks. Wouldn't they love to swim in music?”

“I make music for whales, dolphins, ducks, and deaf people. Using only sign language and silence, my songs are meant to swim in your ears using the same power that allows the moon to create the tides.”

“I wish my car's radio volume dial also operated my air conditioner, so the louder I crank up a hot song, the cooler it would be. Oh, and more music needs to be made about ducks, because that would be even cooler.”

“It's too bad GIFs are silent, because I recorded some original saxophone music to accompany my newest masterpiece. It sounds like ducks quacking on the moon, and if you've got an empty elevator that needs space to be filled, it's now FOR SALE.”

“Music is fluid, and sometimes I fill up my saxophone to the point where it overflows. Of course, sometimes my ducks splash and slosh it all over my shoes, but the other passengers in the elevator never seem to mind.”

“You know how Asian kids practice their musical instruments with continuous gusto? Well, American kids don't practice at all. I was one of those American kids, and that's how I came to be a performer in an elevator. Enjoy as I coax duck farm sounds out of my saxophone.”

“How to choose an orchard plant from the nursery: Bring a stereo, play some Mozart, and whichever one dances the liveliest, that's the one you take back home to meet your ducks. You could play Beethoven, but he was deaf, so his music is a little too Helen Kelleresque for my taste.”

“There are many forms of music, and only the most common kind enters through your ears. In the right light, some music gets absorbed by your eyes, like when you watch a duck splash in water without having to worry if it’s got to VOTE to keep enjoying its FREEDOM.”

“Music is invisible, just like paintings are inaudible. Between the invisible and the inaudible you'll find the art known as BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm.”

“I don’t play music. In fact, I don’t play music so well that I’m The Mozart of Silence. You should witness how my ducks enjoy water dancing to my soundlessness.”