“Did you even know the saxophone could make duck farm noises? You know I'm a genius jazz performer because it sounds like I haven't played an instrument ever before.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Xylophone lessons are now ON SALE when you buy a duck from me. It doesn’t matter if you’re not a good music teacher, because I’m not paying full price.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“At karaoke night, my ducks always sing Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings." I mean I do too, because when I try to sing R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" they boo me off stage.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Song jingle idea:
Female soprano: At Axes and Saxophones we sell axes and saxophones. Come on in and buy an axe or a saxophone.
Male falsetto voice: Why are you telling me about axes and saxophones? Don’t you know I work at Axes and Saxophones? I repair used ducks.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“I never eat breakfast, but that doesn't mean I don't sell it at my Duck Farm Cafe. Children over the age of 65 dine FREE!”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I haven’t sold Spinning Death Kicks Disguised As Reading A Book Quietly since my third grade teacher confiscated all my camouflage material. She also snatched away my Duck Quacks In A Can (with 50% more flavor).”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“One time one guy said he had a stroke reading my absurd writing, so I said, “Thank you for your service.” Then I continued washing my dishes in my lawnmower, because my ducks were splashing around in the kitchen sink.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I just started reading Holderread's duck farming book. It is excellent! I can't wait to get to the second sentence.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Thinking about how ducks converse using only one word, quack, has me thinking about the meaning of communication. If I wrote a dictionary, would you read it? What if I made it flow like a Nicholas Sparks romance novel?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I told my ducks that The Great Library of Alexandria was torched by arsonists in 275 AD, and their only response was, "Quack." They weren't upset, not because they don't read, but because they probably realized the building was burnt after all the books were secreted away.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“If ducks could read, what books would they choose to eye absorb? Probably biographies of Amelia Earhart.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“I read the newspaper a little at a time. I cut the paper up into tiny slivers, each about the size of a fortune cookie slogan, and then I mix all the scraps together and then read them at random one by one. That's how I stay current with duck farm trends.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“I used to read the newspaper blindfolded. I found it made me more informed as a thinker. Now I spend my time doing other things blindfolded, like teaching Pekin ducks how to fly at The Amelia Earhart School of Aviation.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“To your party I'll bring my World-Famous Leftover Duck Meatloaf. It's from 1999, and the only reason I have it in my possession is because my old high-school math teacher called me up to come remove it from my old locker, because it was making his class smell like Savage Garden.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Earth, water, and sky—ducks are birds of those three elements. And their passion for play embodies the fourth—fire.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“A Pekin duckling in a bowl of water is like a small furry sun sponging up spring. As far as I know, that's the best way to measure time.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“At BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm, our customer service representatives work 24/7 to make sure you are satisfied. If nobody answers your call within five rings, like The Olympics logo, call back in four years.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Most ducks have legs like orange spatulas. Those must be lazy swimmers. Mine have thighs like Michael Phelps in the summer of 2008.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“A pool table is a dining room table, if you wait fifteen minutes after eating to go swimming on it. That's what I tell my ducklings, whom I'm coaching to qualify for The Olympics.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“When people think about farmers, they think about people who grow things. Well, I'm a duck farmer, and what I grow is impatient waiting for some committee to recognize duck farming as an Olympic sport.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“When you first see a Pekin duck waddling across the grass, wobbly and lopsided, you might think it's the most unathletic animal in the world. But if you then watch it swim, you'd realize if there were a Bird Olympics, it wouldn't take gold, but it isn't Eric Moussambani, either.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“When swimming 50 yards, I mowed one of them, and that’s why I never finished the race. If I'd have kept going, I probably could have made The Olympics, but now all I've got to show for my time in the water is 25 ducklings.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“If creatively traveling up an escalator on your back were an Olympic sport, every gold medalist would be geriatric. There should be a soap fragrance for muddy ducks that captures that athletic dominance.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Of all the circus animals, from bears to lions to elephants to politicians, very few ride a unicycle. I'd love to see a Pekin duck spinning around for the crowd. Now THAT is something that would make me want to VOTE.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Fishing Lessons are now ON SALE. I’ll meet you on the dock, just as soon as you finish building it. Nails are now half-priced. Oh, and Flying Lessons are now 50% OFF, but if you can teach my ducks how to AirSwim, I'll pay you 51%.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“When I go to art museums, I push a bag of midget carrots in a baby stroller, and it feels like the stuff on the wall is watching me. As a fatheresque person of curiosity, I feel misunderstood, but at least The Ducks know me.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Before a forest fire enters a house, it never asks itself, “Is the front door locked? Should I first knock?” And because it’s so rude, that’s why I never invite it to my duck farm for barbecues.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“There’s anger in danger, and danger in anger. Of all the letters to be, be OK. But don't be mediocre, because even ducks strive to be dominant.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I once saw two ducks brawling, and I thought, "Hey, it's a pre-pillow fight." It was so violent that it made me want to capture their energy and take a nap.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I pour my morning coffee like ducks splash in a pond. Is an extended blink a micro nap? That's the thought that crosses my mind when I drive like Helen Keller.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Cats splash in sunlight like ducks in water. Both animals find your conversation so stimulating they could just nap.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Wooden scrabble letters offer a whole forest of literature, tiled down for easy shower installment. If you limit your use to only the letters q, u, a, c, and k, your ducks will love what you've done with your bathroom.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I'm a duck farmer. Am I the world's best duck farmer? Probably not, but there's no official ranking, and I'm a modest guy, so I claim the number two spot.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“My ducks give me eggs, and I took two of those eggs and nurtured them under a dome to produce two ducklings. In a way, I am their mother, and I think Hallmark should make a special card to honor me.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Both a rose and a cactus have thorns, and while the rose may say, "I love you," the cactus says, "Fuck off." I think that's important to remember, and it's the ideal way to farm ducks.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I can see why people drink booze, because boos are a little too dry to satisfy thirst. It would be like chugging a cactus, and while that has enough water for a duck to swim in, it's the kind of thing that's best served to politicians.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“We can’t meet at the restaurant Monday because they are closed Mondays. I wish Mondays were closed and the restaurant was open. Or we could meet somewhere in the middle, like ajar, which is OpenClosed. That reminds me: Duck Soup goes best in a jar.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Ducks are the fish of the bird world. I like to drink beer and catch a few. One line that always hooks them is this: “You can take a crash course in flying from The Amelia Earhart School of Aviation with no money down.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“I recently made my directorial debut in the category of duck documentary—in GIF format. I hope viewers don’t think my cinematic masterpiece goes on too long, because the extended version comes in at just over six seconds—which might be pushing the limits of modern attention spans.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I’m now selling Duck-Soup Popsicles in vintage meatloaf colors. The flavor of 1991 has never looked so good while camping. Just ask Bigfoot.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“The felt on my pool table is blue, so it looks like a pool. I like to shoot billiards with my duck sitting on the table, because swimming is better with no possibility of drowning.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I once sold shoes. They were Buy One, Get One FREE. Then I met a customer with only one foot, and now I have an extra shoe. So, I filled it with duck eggs, because I ran out of room in the six pockets of my pool table.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“My love is a dandelion in a tornado, and hers is a lit birthday candle in a hurricane. That's why my Duck Soup has that slight taste of WindFlower.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“The dandelion gives all of its future to ride on the wind for one beautiful moment. I'll bet my flightless Pekin ducks would trade their life away to become one with the breeze.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“My ducks are being snatched one by one in the dark of night by a stealthy predator, probably a bobcat. To show this thief he is not welcome, I have posted a No Trespassing sign. That ought to stop him.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I once saw a canyon shaped like a swimming bird. Was it a duck? Well, I quacked and it quacked back.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Every duck farm needs a chat bot automating messaging. You wouldn't believe the amount of queries I get. In fact, next time I get one it will be the first time.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Coaching is the only thing where the more someone else practices, the better you get. That’s my kind of hard work.
People always ask me, "Jarod, how come you don't have a Guinness World Record for getting others to do what you aren't capable of doing?"
I tell them I don't worry about awards, because I'm a buy-my-own-trophies kind of guy.
Plus, I'm too busy being the greatest duck farmer in history.
Then I give them the customer service number to call at Guinness, because that's a good question that demands to be answered.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“If you ask most little boys what they want to be when they grow up, they say things like fireman, elite esports athlete, or brothel manager. But not me. I wanted something sexy. I wanted to be a duck farmer.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“I'm the only duck farmer I know who also plays the saxophone. Of course, I don't play it well, which is why I only perform in elevators. Also, I'm the only duck farmer I know.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world