Best humor & wanted Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.”

Humor Wanted Funny Mets Paper Brown Hats Cowboy Trousers

Author:Chic Murray

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

Humor Wanted Funny Stores Birthday Cake Candle Firefighter Funny Food

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”

Ifs Want Said Humor Wanted Funny Comedy Food My Friends Yeah Frozen Bananas

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”

Doe Made Humor Wanted Funny Comedy Walking Actresses Made It My Sister Halfway Trailers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.”

Thinking Humor Wanted Funny Jokes Tape Backwards Parrots Recorders

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.”

Needs Humor Wanted Funny Car Available Bus Businessman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.”

Humor Wanted Funny Jokes Wrists Suitcases Fillers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.”

Knows Said Humor Wanted Funny House Sleep Know How Wall My Friends Damn Gravity

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”

Ifs Knows Way Humor Light Wanted Funny Turns Three Break Opposites Mess Brighter Bulbs Light Bulb Three Ways

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"”

People Ifs Thinking Men Should Mean Play Humor Wanted Funny Asks Fire Bears Jokes England Forests Representatives Frogs Prevention Hopping Forest Fires

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.”

Knows Trying Stills Use Humor Wanted Funny Turns Stuff Enjoy Dad Letters My Dad Quitting Harsh Operators Steamboats

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.”

Littles Home Humor Wanted Funny Names Bits Little Bit Negative Clean Cheese Chips Sponges Tortillas

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."”

People Humor Wanted Funny Pay Tvs Bills Screens Checks Hey Mail Offering Remote Control

Author:Jay Leno

“They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.”

Way Years Humor Kids Wanted Funny Next Bridges Awards Rip Next Year Murphy

Author:Chris Rock

“I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.”

Humor Wanted Funny Security Materials Sitting Prepared Weather Comic Be Prepared Airports Back When Airport Security

Author:Lewis Black

“If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.”

Ifs War Humor Wanted Funny Four Pages Bored

Author:Lewis Black

“An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.”

Knows Men Humor Wanted Funny Wife Birth Husband Twins Irishmen

Author:Frank Carson

“I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.”

Humor Wanted Funny Beautiful Wife Citizens Loving Wife

Author:Emo Philips

“When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!”

Said Humor Wanted Funny Joy Father Born Boys

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.”

Said Enough Humor Wanted Funny Sex Gay Proof Bars They Said

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.”

Humor Wanted Funny Dog Taught Cat Pet My Sister Bark

Author:Chic Murray

“He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.”

Knows Want Ends Humor Wanted Funny Boundaries

Author:Kristen Schaal

“I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.”

People Way Humor Wanted Funny Audience Baby Appeals Tonight Friendly Family Friends

Author:Kristen Schaal

“When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.”

Looks Littles Humor Kids Wanted Funny Faces Hair Grew Grew Up Little Kid

Author:Noel Fielding

“When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.”

Littles Humor Kids Wanted Funny Little Kid My Best Friend Ginger

Author:Noel Fielding

“A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.”

Want Wells Humor Wanted Law Mother Guy Next Cutting Dog Months Welcome Tails In-laws Indication Visiting Mother In Law Vets

Author:Karel Capek

“Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick”

Ifs Life Real Home Humor Running Wanted Funny House Energy Cooks Ran Electricity Static Balloons Sweaters Blenders

Author:Steven Wright

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