Billy Connolly Quotes

“There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.”

Running Adventure Clothes Positivity Weather Climbing Hiking Being Happy Runners Sailing Marathon Pulse Trekking Criminal Mind Serene Inspirational Running Mountaineering Adventurer Mountain Climbing Motivational Running Climbing Mountain Nautical Climbers Running Marathon Inspirational Mountain Climbing Hiking In The Mountains Marathon Runners Distance Runner Distance Running Great Running Inspirational Runner Marathon Running Running Training Training For A Marathon Track Running Running Track Bad Weather Cold Weather Track Runners Marathon Motivational Sea Life Inspirational Track Running Funny Funny Running Climbing To The Top Weathermen Good Weather Rainy Weather Ultra Running Extreme Weather Cool Weather Outdoor Adventure Hiking Outdoors Summer Weather

Author:Billy Connolly

“When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.”

Real Acting Hell Caught Being Real

Author:Billy Connolly

“I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.”

Thinking Believe I Can Jesus Christianity Teacher Wonderful Wonderful Teacher

Author:Billy Connolly

“I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.”

Used Disease Humorous Mad Cows Alright

Author:Billy Connolly

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!”

Men Inspirational Humor Care Funny Walks Judging Walking Shoes Witty Miles Comedian Who Cares Miles Away Not Caring Funny Jokes

Author:Billy Connolly

“When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?”

Ifs Funny Asks Waiting Standing Witty Bus

Author:Billy Connolly

“So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”

Humor Funny Heard Sexy Oysters Disco

Author:Billy Connolly

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

Thinking Funny Music Intellectual Humorous Musical Definitions Witty Playing Music Lone Rangers Always Thinking Without Music Lone Ranger Thinking Alike

Author:Billy Connolly

“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

Doe Wanted Funny Politics Humorous Red Army Witty Knives Switzerland

Author:Billy Connolly

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.”

Men Trying Humor Funny Left Comedy Tea Left Alone Never Trust Never Trust A Man

Author:Billy Connolly

“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”

Two Comedy Travel Seasons Winter Scotland June Scottish Scots Wintertime Winter Season

Author:Billy Connolly

“Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.”

People Ifs Want Speak Easy Dark Fronts Waste Get Up Hiding Cowardice Microphones Heckling

Author:Billy Connolly

“The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.”

Ifs Looks Comedy Nuclear Great Things Glasgow

Author:Billy Connolly

“It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.”

Different Seems Religion Christianity Islam Different Things Judaism Good Christian Christianity And Judaism

Author:Billy Connolly

“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

Ifs Firsts Humor Funny Jesus Names Comedy Jew Mexican

Author:Billy Connolly

“I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”

Thinking Has Beens Made Comedy Terrible Blow Useless Rotten Make You Think Redundant Rotten Apples

Author:Billy Connolly

“I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.”

Giving Believe Religion Space Wind Angel Wings Don't Believe Marijuana Parking Parking Space Dashboards

Author:Billy Connolly

“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.”

Thinking Humor Funny Used Imagination Comedy Security Used To Be Insecurity My Imagination

Author:Billy Connolly

“I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.”

People Thinking World Way Want Littles Speak Comedy Wonderful Citizens Delightful

Author:Billy Connolly

“Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.”

Jobs Workplace

Author:Billy Connolly

“My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

Used Parent Comedy Department Pet Take Me Zoos

Author:Billy Connolly

“As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.”

Successful Presses Reserves Scottish

Author:Billy Connolly

“I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.”

People Thinking Want Believe Whole I Believe Comedy Trouble Atheism Angel Don't Believe Atheist I Believe In Believe In God

Author:Billy Connolly

“I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.”

People Knows Differences Lines Audience Fine Jokes Fascinated Offended Fine Lines Auditoriums Offended You Easily Offended

Author:Billy Connolly

“Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.”

Thinking Kind Soccer Allies Tactics Mint

Author:Billy Connolly

“Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.”

Comedy Fame Cigarette Autographs Euthanasia Signing Autographs

Author:Billy Connolly

“I don't aim to offend.”

Aim

Author:Billy Connolly

“I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.”

Artist Scottish Surrealist Magritte

Author:Billy Connolly

“I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.”

Two Los Angeles Two Days

Author:Billy Connolly

“I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.”

Stills Stuff Acting Comedy Performances Drawing These Days Consuming

Author:Billy Connolly

“I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.”

People Done Stuff Comedy Doors Share Dog Okay Independent Scripts Chasing Wild Dogs

Author:Billy Connolly

“I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.”

People Looks Art Two States Bigs Speak Figures Come Up Comment Amazed Matrimony Two Heads

Author:Billy Connolly

“I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.”

Should Different Gone Havens Elements Dear Clubs Manners Halls Concerts Tickets Circuits Loathe Syllables Venues Hecklers

Author:Billy Connolly

“I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.”

Children Wanted Used Comedy Japan Delightful Smashing

Author:Billy Connolly

“I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.”

Middle Shapes Pages Draws Drawing Desert Islands Rough Amazed

Author:Billy Connolly

“All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.”

Knows Men Needs Giving Made Humor Funny Stuff Tears Cows Nasty Greedy Wire Fright Trousers Arses Barbed Wire Yorkshire Terriers

Author:Billy Connolly

“What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”

People Looks Humor Funny Blow Noses

Author:Billy Connolly

“Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?”

Thinking Empowerment Milk Cows Psychics

Author:Billy Connolly

“I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.”

Littles Hate Rain I Hate Sexy Weather Clothings Bad Weather Weathermen

Author:Billy Connolly

“I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.”

Knows Should Humor Funny Comedy Should Have Algebra

Author:Billy Connolly

“I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.”

Funny Turns White Week Smart Blue Clever Take Me Pale Sunbathing

Author:Billy Connolly

“Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.”

People Behinds Audience Arches

Author:Billy Connolly

“Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?”

Humor Funny Mother Drink Empty Empty Heads

Author:Billy Connolly

“What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!”

Wells Looks Chickens Blank Staff Items Jam Mcdonalds Burgers Insert

Author:Billy Connolly

“Don't vote, it only encourages them.”

Political Vote Election Election Day

Author:Billy Connolly

“The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.”

Men Needs Feels Humans Has Beens Sex Race Jokes Sexuality Practicals Human Race Homosexuality X Men Practical Joke

Author:Billy Connolly

“American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.”

People Sex Sells Shops Bizarre Highways Dolls

Author:Billy Connolly

“I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?”

Thinking Funny Hurt Animal Sea Feet Cold Species Beach Bites Hints

Author:Billy Connolly

“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.”

Should Desire Politician Bars

Author:Billy Connolly

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