“You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.”
Filter quotes by topic
Famous Zach Galifianakis Quotes
“When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.”
“Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?”
“Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.”
“Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?”
“My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.”
“Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.”
“I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.”
“At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?”
“I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
“I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.”
“I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'”
“I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.”
“My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.”
“I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.”
“I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.”