“I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.”
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Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.”
“He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”
“Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.”
“When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.”
“Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.”
“You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.”
“If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.”
“My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.”
“When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.”
“What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.”
“One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.”
“My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.”
“I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.”
“I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?”
“I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.”
“With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.”