“Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.”
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Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.”
“What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!”
“I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!”
“My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.”
“She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.”
“She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).”
“She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.”
“She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.”
“He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.”
“His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.”
“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.”
“I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.”
“The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.”
“My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.”
“My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.”
“My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.”
“One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!”
“I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'”
“I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.”
“My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.”
“I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'”
“When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.”
“I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.”
“Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.”
“It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.”
“When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”