Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
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Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.”
“I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.”
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”
“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
“My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”
“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”
“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
“One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.”
“The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!”
“Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!”