Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
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Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
“There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.”
“My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark”
“My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.”
“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”
“I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.”
“My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles”
“I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!”
“Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!”
“I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!”
“I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!”
“My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!”
“When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!”
“My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.”
“And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!”
“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."”
“One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!”
“I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”
“I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!”
“I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.”
“I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”
“For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.”
“A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.”
“At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !”