“I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".”
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Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.”
“I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.”
“One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".”
“I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.”
“What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”
“My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.”
“I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.”
“I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.”
“Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.”
“She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.”
“His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.”
“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.”
“My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.”
“My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.”
“My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.”
“I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.”
“Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.”
“When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”